About Me

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Hello and welcome to my blog! My name is Amanda Crow. I am a mother of four amazing children: three who are here with me on earth, and one who is awaiting our reunion in heaven. I am a homeschooling mom who embraces the life God has given me.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Grass

Cemeteries seem to have a life cycle of their own. This is something that I never realized until a cemetery became a part of our life. Within the last 14 months, I have noticed how the cemetery changes with the seasons and with each new burial.

It's very obvious when someone new has been buried. There is a large rectangle of dirt and usually fresh flowers placed on top. Within a week or two, the flowers disappear, and a temporary grave marker shows up in their place. The dirt starts to settle, and eventually sod and a headstone will be placed on the rectangular patch of dirt. Even though the sod is added, it is still very obvious that the site is still new. The rectangle is still visible, reminding you that your loved one is below. The sod is either very green and lush, or it is dried out due to a lack of rain. For the first year, you can still see that rectangle.

During the winter months, Macie's sod stayed green while the grass around it went dormant. It was still obvious where her grave was dug. Well this week, I went to the cemetery to see the landscape stones and the flowers that my mother had planted. What I saw took me by surprise. It wasn't the beautiful arrangement in front of the headstone that shocked me; it was the grass. The sod has now been established, and the native species have moved in and mixed with the new grass. The result is a plot of grass that is indistinguishable from the surrounding area. Her rectangle was gone. I realized how long she has been gone. There isn't a trace of the ground ever being disturbed. Macie's site has become a part of the landscape. The ground has healed from it's scars, but our hearts haven't.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Where to start.....

Well, it's been over a month since I have blogged, and I really don't know where to begin. This has been on my to-do list for way too long, but I just don't have any way of articulating my feelings or emotions (I've never been a writer...remember I'm a biology teacher). It was just easier to put this aside....I guess part of me just thought that if I ignored it, then maybe an entire year didn't really pass. Unfortunately, it did. I can't believe I have lived a year without my daughter. I must have been in auto-pilot the entire time because I just can't wrap my mind around this entire experience. I will save the "what I learned through pain" for another time, but for now I thought it would just be best to catch you up....so here I go.

Let's see...March 26, 2010-some wonderful friends of ours thought it would be a great idea to have a memorial dinner for Macie-and of course they were right. The church let them use a large room, and they made dinner for our close friends and family. It was a time to reflect on the year and remember Macie (not that any of us forget). It's amazing how many wonderful people God has put in our lives. We are so thankful to all of you!!!! remember I don't like using other names on here, but you know who you are, and we love you all!!!!!!

March 27, 2010-Well, we all know what that day is. The dreaded anniversary day. I think the anticipation of this day was actually worse than the day itself. The day really didn't feel any different than the other 364 days of hell we experienced. Ryan and Jordan woke-up early and went turkey hunting (it was the first day of Jordan's youth hunt...ironic huh?). It was really good to have something exciting for Jordan to do that day. Actually, the kids didn't even know what day it was....we just thought it would be best to not bring it up.

It was also opening day for Rookies soccer, and it was Carter's first soccer game ever (can you believe my baby is actually old enough for sports???). Much to my surprise, he got onto the field and hid his face in his shirt...I never saw that one coming (he is finally playing now, but the season will end tomorrow-oh well). After Carter's game, we went to the cemetery, came home and ate some lunch, planted some flowers (a gift from another woman living with grief), and realized that my kids' school books, art supplies, and paper work had taken over my dinning room. So, I did what I like to do best-I organized!!!! I just couldn't take the mess anymore, and I cleaned the rest of the day.

March 28, 2010- I painted (another thing I like to do). It all started with a beautiful quilt. Right before Christmas, some women from church made us a beautiful quilt made with Macie's clothes. I placed it carefully on the rocking chair in my room, but I just knew it wasn't where it belonged. So in early March, I hung it in Macie and Kaylee's room. That alone was hard to do because I had to paint over, and cover up, their names that I had hand-painted in their room. Once it was hanging there, I realized that the pink-with-black-swirls walls were clashing with the quilt. I let it go because I spent soooooo much time on that room.

But right before the anniversary, I was given another quilt from one of Macie's teammates. She was given the quilt that was actioned off at the Macie memorial fun night at the YMCA, and she wanted us to have it. So I hung that quilt on another wall in their room. With two gorgeous quilts now hanging in the room, it was time to repaint and give the room new life.

Shortly before the accident, Macie was asking to paint her room aqua. I said "no" because I just redecorated their room less than a year before that. So to honor her, we bought Kaylee a comforter with lots of aqua in it, and decided on a lavender color for the walls to match the quilts. The quilts now stand out, and Macie's room has the aqua she was asking for.

I also moved all of Macie's trophies, ribbons, and memorabilia above her bunk bed. It's our little sanctuary. I find myself there occasionally, and Kaylee likes to go up there to write in her journal and draw. However, we don't allow anyone else to go on her bed.

April 4, 2010- Easter. This was the second Easter without Macie. There was a distinct difference between this Easter and last Easter. Of course, Easter was only two weeks after the accident last year, and I was barely functioning and had absolutely nothing to look forward to. This year was different. I realized that there is absolutely NO reason to be sad on Easter!!!! The resurrection of Jesus is THE only thing that gives us hope, so how could we ever be sad on a day that celebrates what Christ did for us??? Without Easter, I would never see Macie again. I actually looked forward to this day with anticipation. That doesn't mean that I didn't miss Macie, and that they pain went away, but I had a new perspective. We also had our family from Michigan come for a visit. We stuffed over 400 eggs for an Easter egg hunt in our back yard, and all the family came over after church. The weather was perfect, and the kids had so much fun with their cousins. One of our older cousins brought a costume from her daycare, and she dressed up like the easter bunny for all the little ones. My kids have always known that the easter bunny is not real (we've always stressed the importance of Christ on Easter) and they were able to keep the secret and have fun with it!

The kids with the Michigan crew

Easter day 2010

Here are a couple pictures from the past.....

Well, I'm really tired right now. I will post again very soon. Good night.