Remembering Macie Elizabeth

Missing Macie on her 10th Birthday

2011-08-10T01:32:00.000-05:00

It was 10 years ago, today, that I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Macie. It breaks my heart that we can't watch her celebrate this milestone or see the wonderful girl she would become. I made this cake with Kaylee in memory of Macie on her birthday.

Macie's 7th birthday and sadly the last we had to celebrate with her

Just Embrace

2011-06-15T17:35:00.000-05:00

You can now visit me at my new site. I have set-up the page, but I haven't published any posts yet. The site is www.justembrace.blogspot.com

Before I leave, I have a final comment. I know I have mentioned the four leaf clover before, and I have another neat story:

We recently took a trip to Michigan, and although we had a great time, I found myself having a very difficult time (I'm sure that doesn't make a lot of sense). Anyway...this was the first time I really noticed Kaylee struggling a lot. She is so close to her brothers, and they hangout together all the time. However, while we were in Michigan, the boys were off playing with their cousins. It was a group of boys fishing, catching crayfish, looking for snakes, etc. Kaylee was not really into all of that and she was left without someone to play with. My heart just broke for her. Macie would have been right by her side the whole time. I could tell Kaylee was really sad. It really hit her when her younger 3 year old cousin started calling Kaylee her sister. It was so cute, but I could see that it bothered Kaylee. My heart was so heavy and I felt like I could cry all day. I decided to take the dog our for a walk near the hotel. As I was thinking about how crappy our situation was and asking God "the why questions" again, I looked down and there was a four leaf clover at my feet. I bent down to pick it up and next to it was one with five leaves. So I plucked them and took them to the kids. The four leaves always remind me of my four kids. I wasn't sure what to think of the 5 leaves, but none the less, it was neat to find. I love how God places these little reminders in front of me to reassure me that one day all will be well again.

my little reminder that I still have 4 children

Just Embrace

2011-05-17T11:32:00.001-05:00

OK, I should have mentioned before that I will still be blogging, but it will be in a different format. Several months ago, God was really speaking to my heart and telling me to write some devotionals. However, they don't always deal with grief and suffering. I didn't feel this was the place to post them. I am starting a new blog called Just Embrace (that might sound familiar...it was a post of mine from 2 years ago). I am still laying out the format, and it will take a couple days to have it up and running. I plan to post a devotional every Friday. I wanted to close the chapter on this blog because I want it to stay about Macie and Macie only. I have learned so much as a grieving mother and as a homeschooling parent, and I feel I can share these experiences. Thank you for your continued prayers and love. I will post the link soon.

A final post

2011-05-16T12:11:00.000-05:00

Warning: this is a grammatical mess of quickly written words and thoughts…bear with me….I hope you can follow along…

It‘s probably obvious by now, due to my lack of blogging, that posting my feelings is no longer beneficial. Truth be told…it doesn’t help. In fact, it just feels like one more item on my never-ending to-do list. In the beginning, it helped a lot. I needed to express myself and let others know how I was doing and feeling. The pain was fresh and raw, and many people were genuinely concerned with how we were doing. It gave me the outlet to share without returning endless emails and phone calls, but now that has all changed. It has been two years since the accident. Most people have moved on and have expected us to do the same. Unfortunately, people don’t realize that the second year was just as difficult as the first. The only difference is that you become one with the pain and heartache, and you learn to adapt and return to a “normal” life. You once again robotically function and go through the motions of a regular existence. However, there is nothing regular about the way we feel.

During the second year of grief, everyone begins to think you are healed and over it. But you are not! Just because you see us laughing and our kids playing doesn’t mean we are over it. Just because you notice us enjoying the kids’ sports and activities doesn’t mean we are over it. Just because we start volunteering more and taking on new hobbies doesn’t mean we are over it. Just because we started reading books that don’t deal with death and dying doesn’t mean we are over it. We will never be over it, but our family has learned to live with it. The second year of grief was just as difficult as the first. The cards, flowers, and prayers start to disappear, the rest of the world seems to move on, and we are left with a hole in our family and hearts. The holidays during the second year were probably more difficult, because you come face to face with the realization that Macie has been gone for so long. If anyone reading this has a friend or loved one grieving, please don’t forget that they are probably hurting just as badly with each passing holiday.

With so much time passing, we start to forget what she sounds like, and all the smells of her are gone. I could easily remember her voice by playing some home videos, but every time I pick up one of the DVDs, I just stare at it and put it back. For some reason, I am absolutely terrified to watch those videos. I was able to watch them days, weeks, and months after the accident, but it has been over a year since I have watched one. I really can’t explain that one?!? I so desperately want to see her face, hear her laughter, remember her voice, yet I can’t bring myself to watch a memory of her. I want the real thing and a past memory just will not do.

During the past couple months, I have also come to the realization that I am not only grieving my daughter, but I am grieving my identity as well. This was hard for me to admit, and still is. Pride has always been a struggle of mine, and sometimes I think God took Macie from us to humble me. I always felt that Ryan and I did a really good job at raising our children. We protected them the best we could, and tried to control every situation and detail of their life. Yet, our child died in a tragic accident. I guess I’m not in control after all. Anyway, I loved being the young mom with 4 kids. You don’t’ see many 28-31 year olds walking around Walmart with 4 kids in a shopping cart being well behaved. I was always the one pregnant or nursing. I loved having a big family (not big compared to the families on TLC or some within my church, but big compared to the typical American family). We were different, and I liked that. Now, I just look like a typical mom with her 3 kids, and the youngest child is throwing a fit about something. Unfortunately, Carter, our youngest, didn’t receive the same parenting as the older children did. For the past two years, we have been pretty lackadaisical as far a discipline is concerned with him. Normal bedtimes and schedules flew out the window when Macie died. We are now trying the return things to a pre-accident existence. Back to the identity….So now I am the mom raising 3 kids, and everyone around me is either pregnant, just delivered a new baby, or adopting. I now have the small family. I know this shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I’m only sharing this because I know there are other grieving mothers that probably experience the same thing. You not only grieve a child, you grieve who you were.

I know I still have 4 children, but the world does not see that. I have met several new families this year, and they have just assumed everything was normal about me. They just assume I have 3 kids and my life is great, until they ask my kids’ ages. That’s when my pulse races and the internal dialog begins. “Do I tell them, do I not tell them? Will they care? Do I want to explain everything? Do I want to answer questions? Do these people matter to me? How will they react?” Then I say what I always do, “My oldest son is 11, my oldest daughter would be 9, my second daughter is 8, and my youngest son is 5.” When I get to the “oldest daughter would be” part, I either get a confused or shocked look, or the person starts counting my children and asks where the other is. It’s always an interesting situation to say the least.

I am trying really hard to get over that. With Macie, I can’t, won’t, and don’t want to ever get over her…ever! But I can get over my identity crisis. At the beginning of the year, I started working out a lot. I realized that I really enjoy fitness classes, and I have regained my passion for healthy foods and healthy living. The exercise helps with the moods swings a lot and I am sleeping better. When I’m working out, I am able to relieve the stress and anger that builds up throughout the day. It is so easy to want to curl up in a ball and not do anything, but I refuse to let my grief take my body as well. My kids need me to be fit and able to keep up with them, and that’s what I intent to do. God still has work for us to do, and I want to be healthy enough to do it! We are all growing a little stronger physically and emotionally every day.

I still can’t believe 2 years have come and gone. I’m not sure what this 3rd year has in store for us, but I pray it will be filled with healing and closure. I have the promises of Heaven on day, and I know we will be reunited with Macie. I guess we need to just keep pressing forward until that day comes. With that said, I feel I need to put an end to this page and close this chapter of our lives. We are finding a new identity for our family and looking for a new purpose. I want this page to be in memory of our daughter and everything we will miss about her.

We love you so much Macie and can’t wait to hold you again!!!

1 Thessalonians 4:17

Macie Memorial Meet

2011-03-02T22:51:00.000-06:00

This weekend, February 27, was the Macie Crow Memorial gymnastics meet at our YMCA. This was the 2nd time Kaylee has competed in this meet. It is always difficult. You are mourning the loss of one daughter and cheering another daughter on at the same time....something no one else can understand. Prior to the meet starting, our family was presented with flowers and one of the coaches wrote and read the following poem:

Remembering Macie

Unfair, it is, so brief a stay

you had down here on Earth.

Unfair to us who knew you,

who knew what you were worth.

We thought we knew that laugh, those eyes,

would one day grow old,

but what we didn't know was we were wrong;

that, we were never told.

So now all we have are memories,

which, though happy, draw a tear,

reminding us how temporary

life can be, I fear.

Let this reminder set us straight;

let your example be our guide.

Take nothing e'er for granted;

be happy, smile wide.

For we know that you would want us

to live as merrily as we can;

treat each day as our last,

to live up to God's own plan.

And when our thoughts choose to stray

on how you touched our lives,

we'll remember the joy with which you lived,

and that with which you died,

knowing Heaven awaited

your flipping, jumping, grinning soul.

We miss is still down here, that smile lighting up the gym,

but we benefited; from knowing you our hearts are full.

We may continue to ache,

for your person from here is gone.

Your tiny frame has left us,

yet your smile lingers on...

-Coach Ashlynn

Isn't that beautiful? I am so thankful for the people in our life that still love and care about our daughter. It means so much to us!

An Angry Child

2011-01-21T15:25:00.002-06:00

Have you ever taken something away from a child, and they didn't understand why? They usually sit in the corner, arms crossed, refusing to speak to you. They still love you, they still know you are there for them, but they just don't want to look at you or speak to you. That's how I feel right now.

I feel like a little child who's angry at her father... heavenly Father that is. I don't want to be, but I don't understand why I can't have my daughter. My prayer life has really been in the dumps lately. I know God loves me. I know God wants what is best for me. I know God is in control. I still love Him and trust Him. However, I miss my daughter so much that I feel like crossing my arms and ignoring Him. I don't feel this way all the time, but the winter months and holidays are taking a toll on me.

I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas okay. However, December 26th hit me like a ton of bricks. I woke up and did nothing but cry. New Year's eve wasn't much better either. Then, to top it all off, Kaylee turned 8 on January 14th. How can Kaylee be older than Macie? Kaylee is the little sister, and now she is 8!?! Macie was only 7 when she died. I just look at her and wonder what Macie would look like? How tall would she be? How would she act? Would she still be a gymnast? Would she enjoy being homeschooled? These questions haunt me all the time.

Yesterday, we awoke to a foot of snow. I told the kids we haven't had this much snow since I was 5....and I don't even remember it. So this was a new experience for me too. Yet, it was just another reminder of something Macie didn't experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know I should listen to my past words about heaven being so much better than anything here on earth, but I just need a few days to have a pity-party for myself. Whenever I am doing well, I feel guilty. It's like we didn't love her enough or something (which is not true). It's hard to explain and confusing. I want to feel better, but when I do, I feel worse. I told you...it doesn't make any sense.

This is actually taken from an earlier snow. It was just too cute not to share.

We measured 11 inches....yeah, I know what our Michigan family is thinking, but it is a big deal to us :)

The snow was so deep; the dog had to hop like a rabbit.

Christmas Day

Something you should know

2010-12-13T09:45:00.000-06:00

Ok, it's been almost 2 years, but my sharp mind has yet to return. I was always such an organized person, and I rarely forgot anything (except for where my keys were). However, since the accident, I can't remember anything. I forget when I have made appointments, I forget to send emails or return phone calls, I forget why I walk into a room, I can't remember birthdays, and I actually have to look at my address book to remember someones address and phone number (I NEVER had to do that before). It's incredibly frustrating and even more frustrating when people get mad at me for it. Grief can do really weird things to the mind. Another grieving mother told me that post-traumatic stress can cause physical brain damage. This damage and the stress over a loss can wreak havoc on the memory. So please don't get offended or annoyed with me or Ryan if we forget to say or do something....it's not intentional.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T18:51:00.040-06:00

Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise:
be thankful unto him, and bless his name. Psalm 100:4

When you are grieving, it can be so hard to be thankful.

Every morning we wake up and make a choice to live life with gratitude.

As Don Piper said, "You can either get bitter or get better...it's up to you."

Things to be thankful for in 2010:

The strength to endure another year
The fact that good days are starting to out way the bad
We haven't had any family funerals to attend this year
The kids are healthy and free from any lasting emotional damage (that is a miracle in itself considering what they have gone through)
Our new construction business is doing well
We are surrounded by loving family and friends
Life is starting to be lived with purpose again
Most importantly-We are thankful for our Lord and Savior, Jesus, for the gift of eternal life. Without Him, we would not have hope or the promise of heaven one day.
I am so thankful that we have built our lives on God's truths and His promises had become our foundation. That foundation prevented us from crumbling in such a difficult time.

We were able to seak refuge in God instead of running from Him.
The Bible warns us that in this life we will have trials and tribulations.
It's not a matter of if we will have them but when.
As a favorite song of mine goes: "We are all just one phone call from our knees."

Photos taken by Rebecca Schmidt (a mom from Carter's preschool).

She kindly offered her services and wanted to take our family's photos.

Macie's new Christmas tree.

We decorated it on Tuesday before the cold weather came in.

Disney World

2010-10-22T23:46:00.000-05:00

Well, we finally made it to Disney World. Unfortunately, it was 2 years too late and missing one very special little girl. We have wanted to take the kids for years, but we wanted to wait until they were a little older (and our pockets were a little fuller). The week before "the accident," we were making plans to go. Ryan told Macie that he would stay in Canada an extra week to earn enough money for the trip. Little did we know what was awaiting us.

After the accident, the thought of Disney World made me want to vomit. How could we ever go without Macie? It just wasn't fair. After the first year, we finally had enough strength to start planning the trip, and we didn't want the other kids to miss out. It's a strange feeling to be filled with excitement and dread the same time. I was excited to get away and enjoy a vacation with the kids, but dreaded the constant ache that would accompany the loss. I cried the entire evening that I packed our bags. Macie would have been the most excited to go, and she never had the chance. I keep reminding myself that Heaven is better than Disney World, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I thought that the loss would be more painful when we arrived, but it wasn't. I've come to realize that it rarely changes. It's like the air I breathe. It surrounds me everywhere I go. I can't get away from it. It doesn't just creep in on holidays, or anniversaries, or on vacations. It's what I breathe in day, after day, after day.

The kids and I wanted to fly (this was their first time on a plane), but Ryan was apprehensive. He caved in, and did better than I expected. The only time Ryan has been on a plane was the day he left for Canada. He was standing in the Edmonton airport when he found out about Macie. He spent about 15 hours trying to get home without anyone by his side. He was all alone, in another country, trying to get back to his family. All he knew was that Jordan was airlifted, and Macie didn't make it. He didn't even know that Jordan was OK until he arrived in St. Louis. I still can't imagine how he felt...so desperate and helpless.

We went to Disney's Animal Kingdom first. As we were walking up to the first ride, a plane was writing in the sky. It was spelling U + God =. We didn't see the final product, but it was enough to remind us that Macie is with God. We spent 5 days at Disney and on the 6th day we went to the Holy Land Experience in Orlando. It was beautiful and relaxing, and the kids really enjoyed it. We took the Lord's supper while we were there, and it made quite and impact on Carter. He's been asking questions, and he wants to get baptized.

We made sure to bring back a Minnie Mouse doll for Macie's bed. She really liked Minnie. I used to find drawings of Minnie and Mickey around the house, and she would write about them in her journal. Oh, how I wish things were different.....

Downtown Disney outside of the Lego store

Animal Kingdom

A plane was making this in the sky when we arrived at Disney's Animal Kingdom.

Smiling in their new Mickey shirts

The entrance to Holy Land Experience

In the empty tomb replica

Macie's Minnie Mouse doll

A journal entry of Macie's

Macie's sketch of Mickey, Minnie, and Pluto

Macie's Corner

2010-10-01T18:58:00.000-05:00

African Vision of Hope has decided to use the funds we raised to designate an area of their Hope Library and call it "Macie's Corner." This library is at one of their schools in Kabulonga, and it's the only library they have ever seen in Zambia. Isn't it cool that Macie's memory can live on, even on the other side of the world? Hopefully, we will be able to see this library in person one day and to meet the children that this wonderful organization is helping.

Under Macie's name is James 1:27. The Scripture says:
Pure and undefiled religion before God the Father is this: To care for orphans and widows in their misfortune and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

Golf Tournament

2010-09-19T20:43:00.000-05:00

We want to say "thank you" to everyone who attended the 2nd Annual Macie Memorial Golf Tournament and to everyone who brought desserts and auction items. The weather was beautiful, the food was great, and the time with family and friends was a blessing. All the money raised went directly to African Vision of Hope www.africanvisionofhope.org. We felt this would be a good way to honor Macie. She had such a heart for these children, and my other kids do too. Jordan is already asking when he can be Missionary so he can go to Zambia and help the children. Judi Bertels presented us with a beautiful quilt that has the precious hand prints of the children from one of their schools. My children think this is the greatest treasure. Not only do we have an item from Africa, they have a visible reminder of the children we can help.

2010-09-17T18:05:00.000-05:00

2^nd Annual Macie Crow

Memorial Golf Tournament

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Oakbrook Golf Club

9157 Fruit Rd, Edwardsville, IL 62025

(618) 656-5600

FOUR MAN SCRAMBLE

8:00 AM SHOTGUN START

(Registration starts @ 7:00 am)

$70 per golfer or $280 per team

(all proceeds will be given to African Vision of Hope)

www.africanvisionofhope.org

Food and soft drinks provided !

Door prizes ! Skins Game ! Longest Drive ! Closest to the hole and much, much more !

Contacts : Ryan Crow (618) 447-8662

Steven Crow (618) 795-1966

Why?

2010-09-07T20:35:00.002-05:00

There is another couple from our church who is burying their child this week. I had no words of wisdom or comfort for them...all I can say to myself is WHY? I know God is sovereign and works all things for good for those that love Him, but why can't He give His children some answers when they need them? I remember how small Macie's casket was, but this casket was so much smaller. I looked at it and thanked God that I was able to watch Macie grow, at least for a while. Why do these parents have to bury their son, yet there are babies born to drug addicts that survive? Why do people struggle with infertility, yet over 4,000 babies a day are aborted. Why did my daughter die when we were always so protective. For crying out loud, I didn't even let my kids eat foods with high-fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, or sodium nitrites. I always knew where they were. They weren't allowed to ride their bikes around the neighborhood, or walk home from the bus stop (which I only allowed Jordan to ride home once a week). So why did my daughter die when there are so many parents that could care less where their kids are??? My daughter was killed playing in her back yard with her brother. Where's the justice in that? What did these parents do to deserve their heartache? Whenever I get on this rampage, I feel a strong conviction and realize that nothing in life is fair.

Is it fair that I have a happy marriage, while our friends are getting divorced? Why was I able to conceive 4 healthy children without ever trying, yet my sister-in-law can't conceive one? Why do we have loving families around us to help us through our grief, yet there are orphans without a home? Why do we always have plenty to eat when much of the world goes hungry? Absolutely nothing in this life is fair. It's also not fair that Jesus had to die for our sins, but he did. One day our questions will be answered, but until then, I believe God can handle our "whys."

Waiting....

2010-08-31T08:38:00.000-05:00

There is a song called While I'm Waiting that my kids and I really like. It reminds us of our daily walk. I feel like we are constantly waiting on something. We wait for answers, we wait for signs, we wait for healing, and most of all we wait for Jesus to return so we can all be reunited again. The thought of Christ coming back soon and our world forever changing as we know it causes many to become anxious and tremble. Not our family! We are so ready for our eternal lives. Life is so much easier to handle when you have an eternal perspective. We are always reminding ourselves that this is not our home...we are only passing through.

Lyrics to While I'm Waiting :

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Macie's 9th Birthday

2010-08-13T19:09:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, August 10th was Macie's 9th birthday. We went to the cemetery with the family to release balloons again, and then to my parent's house to swim. Macie enjoyed having her birthday party at their house so she could hang out in the pool. We've decided to keep that tradition alive. I keep wondering how tall she would be, what her hair would look like, what gymnastics level she would be in....I will always wonder about these things. I see some of her old friends growing up, and all I have are memories of Macie as a 7 year old. We miss her so much! I can't believe two birthday's have already passed.

Getting stronger

2010-08-09T22:33:00.000-05:00

I was doing some push-ups the other day, and realized I was able to do more reps than before. I was a little sore the next day, but I like the burn because I know it is working to strengthen my arms. Without stress and pain, the muscles never grow. The muscles must first be torn. Then with time and the proper nutrition, the muscle repairs itself and adds additional tissue along the way. This made me think about my own cardiac muscles-my HEART. The heart cannot grow if it has never felt pain. I know that with enough time and Jesus (He who is able to supply all my needs), my heart will also grow stronger. I have to trust God with my pain, and let Him use it for good in my life.

Isaiah 61:3
God will provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Macie's Garden

2010-07-18T15:58:00.003-05:00

Macie would be so excited to know that her memorial garden won the Green Thumb Award!!! Building that garden was the best therapy for our family last year, and it has brought a lot of beauty to our yard.

Back From Camp

2010-07-18T15:40:00.007-05:00

We had so much fun at camp! I was surprised to find out that it wasn't as difficult as I thought. Jordan and Macie were supposed to go together last year, but of course that didn't happen. I thought it would be a lot harder being there and knowing that Macie never had the opportunity to attend. The goal at camp is to get the kids to disconnect from the outside world and to realize their need for Jesus. It brought tears to my eyes to watch some of the children accept Jesus. Fortunately, Macie had already accepted Christ and she was prepared to be with Him. All of the fun at camp could never compare to the fun we will have in heaven! I still missed her terribly and wished she could have been in our cabin with us. One of Macie's friends from preschool was in our group, and it was strange watching her and Kaylee hang out together. Macie should have been right there with them.

Carter, on the other hand, didn't enjoy his week at all. He was too young to attend camp, and he has never been away from me for more than a night. He spent a lot of time crying, and whenever I would call home, he would yell, "come home NOW!!!" We were so excited to see each other on Friday. He ran right to me, and we were both holding back tears. I was able to get a glimpse of what my reunion with Macie might look like one day.

camp

2010-06-28T06:36:00.004-05:00

We are asking for lots of prayer this week. I am leaving this morning with Jordan and Kaylee for church camp. Carter is staying behind with Ryan because he is not old enough to go. We will be at camp until Friday. I have never left any of my children for that long, and I am really nervous about it. My family has not been separated since the accident. In fact, the last time we were apart is when our tragedy happened. Ryan left for Canada just hours before Macie was killed. We are looking forward to camp, but I am having way too many flashbacks of that day. Please pray that we return safely and Ryan and Carter stay out of harms way.
Thank you!

The Grass

2010-05-24T12:24:00.005-05:00

Cemeteries seem to have a life cycle of their own. This is something that I never realized until a cemetery became a part of our life. Within the last 14 months, I have noticed how the cemetery changes with the seasons and with each new burial.

It's very obvious when someone new has been buried. There is a large rectangle of dirt and usually fresh flowers placed on top. Within a week or two, the flowers disappear, and a temporary grave marker shows up in their place. The dirt starts to settle, and eventually sod and a headstone will be placed on the rectangular patch of dirt. Even though the sod is added, it is still very obvious that the site is still new. The rectangle is still visible, reminding you that your loved one is below. The sod is either very green and lush, or it is dried out due to a lack of rain. For the first year, you can still see that rectangle.

During the winter months, Macie's sod stayed green while the grass around it went dormant. It was still obvious where her grave was dug. Well this week, I went to the cemetery to see the landscape stones and the flowers that my mother had planted. What I saw took me by surprise. It wasn't the beautiful arrangement in front of the headstone that shocked me; it was the grass. The sod has now been established, and the native species have moved in and mixed with the new grass. The result is a plot of grass that is indistinguishable from the surrounding area. Her rectangle was gone. I realized how long she has been gone. There isn't a trace of the ground ever being disturbed. Macie's site has become a part of the landscape. The ground has healed from it's scars, but our hearts haven't.

Where to start.....

2010-05-07T12:38:00.007-05:00

Well, it's been over a month since I have blogged, and I really don't know where to begin. This has been on my to-do list for way too long, but I just don't have any way of articulating my feelings or emotions (I've never been a writer...remember I'm a biology teacher). It was just easier to put this aside....I guess part of me just thought that if I ignored it, then maybe an entire year didn't really pass. Unfortunately, it did. I can't believe I have lived a year without my daughter. I must have been in auto-pilot the entire time because I just can't wrap my mind around this entire experience. I will save the "what I learned through pain" for another time, but for now I thought it would just be best to catch you up....so here I go.

Let's see...March 26, 2010-some wonderful friends of ours thought it would be a great idea to have a memorial dinner for Macie-and of course they were right. The church let them use a large room, and they made dinner for our close friends and family. It was a time to reflect on the year and remember Macie (not that any of us forget). It's amazing how many wonderful people God has put in our lives. We are so thankful to all of you!!!! remember I don't like using other names on here, but you know who you are, and we love you all!!!!!!

March 27, 2010-Well, we all know what that day is. The dreaded anniversary day. I think the anticipation of this day was actually worse than the day itself. The day really didn't feel any different than the other 364 days of hell we experienced. Ryan and Jordan woke-up early and went turkey hunting (it was the first day of Jordan's youth hunt...ironic huh?). It was really good to have something exciting for Jordan to do that day. Actually, the kids didn't even know what day it was....we just thought it would be best to not bring it up.

It was also opening day for Rookies soccer, and it was Carter's first soccer game ever (can you believe my baby is actually old enough for sports???). Much to my surprise, he got onto the field and hid his face in his shirt...I never saw that one coming (he is finally playing now, but the season will end tomorrow-oh well). After Carter's game, we went to the cemetery, came home and ate some lunch, planted some flowers (a gift from another woman living with grief), and realized that my kids' school books, art supplies, and paper work had taken over my dinning room. So, I did what I like to do best-I organized!!!! I just couldn't take the mess anymore, and I cleaned the rest of the day.

March 28, 2010- I painted (another thing I like to do). It all started with a beautiful quilt. Right before Christmas, some women from church made us a beautiful quilt made with Macie's clothes. I placed it carefully on the rocking chair in my room, but I just knew it wasn't where it belonged. So in early March, I hung it in Macie and Kaylee's room. That alone was hard to do because I had to paint over, and cover up, their names that I had hand-painted in their room. Once it was hanging there, I realized that the pink-with-black-swirls walls were clashing with the quilt. I let it go because I spent soooooo much time on that room.

But right before the anniversary, I was given another quilt from one of Macie's teammates. She was given the quilt that was actioned off at the Macie memorial fun night at the YMCA, and she wanted us to have it. So I hung that quilt on another wall in their room. With two gorgeous quilts now hanging in the room, it was time to repaint and give the room new life.

Shortly before the accident, Macie was asking to paint her room aqua. I said "no" because I just redecorated their room less than a year before that. So to honor her, we bought Kaylee a comforter with lots of aqua in it, and decided on a lavender color for the walls to match the quilts. The quilts now stand out, and Macie's room has the aqua she was asking for.

I also moved all of Macie's trophies, ribbons, and memorabilia above her bunk bed. It's our little sanctuary. I find myself there occasionally, and Kaylee likes to go up there to write in her journal and draw. However, we don't allow anyone else to go on her bed.

April 4, 2010- Easter. This was the second Easter without Macie. There was a distinct difference between this Easter and last Easter. Of course, Easter was only two weeks after the accident last year, and I was barely functioning and had absolutely nothing to look forward to. This year was different. I realized that there is absolutely NO reason to be sad on Easter!!!! The resurrection of Jesus is THE only thing that gives us hope, so how could we ever be sad on a day that celebrates what Christ did for us??? Without Easter, I would never see Macie again. I actually looked forward to this day with anticipation. That doesn't mean that I didn't miss Macie, and that they pain went away, but I had a new perspective. We also had our family from Michigan come for a visit. We stuffed over 400 eggs for an Easter egg hunt in our back yard, and all the family came over after church. The weather was perfect, and the kids had so much fun with their cousins. One of our older cousins brought a costume from her daycare, and she dressed up like the easter bunny for all the little ones. My kids have always known that the easter bunny is not real (we've always stressed the importance of Christ on Easter) and they were able to keep the secret and have fun with it!

The kids with the Michigan crew

Easter day 2010

Here are a couple pictures from the past.....

Well, I'm really tired right now. I will post again very soon. Good night.

The weekend

2010-03-23T19:30:00.005-05:00

What a strange weekend. We celebrated Jordan's 10th birthday, and the YMCA held the 1st annual Macie Crow Memorial Invitational Meet....talk about emotionally exhausting!

Jordan's 9th birthday was the last time we had Macie at a family celebration. She passed away a week after Jordan's birthday party last year. Being lost in our grief, we sometimes forget about the miracle we have in front of us-Jordan. He could have easily been killed with her that day. He was trapped for 2 hours by a thousand pound slab of concrete. How did he survive with very minimal injuries??? Only God could do that! But then we question why the same God didn't do the same for Macie. There are so many questions that will never be answered on this side of eternity.

We are so blessed and thankful that the YMCA is keeping Macie's memory alive. Her memory dying would be equally painful, so thank you to all of you that remind us that you still think of Macie. Kaylee competed in the memorial meet, which was difficult for us. No little girl should have to compete in a gymnastics meet that is named after her deceased older sister. She is such a brave little girl. She has to attend practice without her sister by her side and compete without her here to cheer her on. At the end of the award ceremony, Kaylee was acknowledged, and we presented her with a World's Bravest Gymnast Award and some bouquets of flowers. I will post some pictures in a couple days.

Please keep praying for us as we approach the anniversary of Macie's death.

You can see pictures of my birthday boy on the Crow's Nest (the link on the left of this page). I will also put some of Kaylee's meet pictures there as well.

It's March

2010-03-08T08:07:00.010-06:00

Well, it's finally March. This used to be one of my favorite times of the year. My crocuses are blooming, my daffodils, tulips, and lilies are emerging. The weather is warming, and the kids are spending a lot of time outside. March is the month of our wedding anniversary (11 years this past Saturday) and our firstborn's birthday (Jordan will be 10 this year...I just can't believe it). But now, March has become a very ugly month for us. It now marks tragedy and sadness.

Yesterday, our church held a service to remember and reflect on the events that took Pastor Fred's life on March 8, 2009. I wasn't prepared to feel as heartbroken as I did. In fact, my knees buckled several times, and the waves of helplessness rushed through, and I felt as if I were sitting at Macie's funeral again. I know that it was a day to remember our pastor, but what the 1500 people sitting around us in service didn't realize is that the week of his death marked the beginning of our story.

Last March, Ryan and I were sitting in the church waiting for Pastor Fred's funeral to begin when he received the phone call from Canada asking him to pack his bags and come work for a month. We spent the next two weeks (still in shock over the events that occurred in our own church) getting his passport, filling out paper work, packing bags, and preparing to not have Ryan with us for 4 or 5 weeks. Little did we know that the day he flew away, was going to be the last day of Macie's life.

Yesterday, some friends at church could tell by the look on my face that I wasn't having a good day. A lot of people were asking if I was okay? Well, the answer to that question is NO. Yes, we are okay physically and spiritually, the kids are thriving, our marriage is great, and we still have fun as a family everyday. There isn't a day that goes by where we still don't laugh and appreciate our lives. We are functioning pretty well. We keep up with the kids activities, stay on tract with their school work, and maintain the house (I'll admit that it isn't as clean and organized as I would like..but I know that there are more important things in life). So then why is my answer no?

While we are doing as well as we can and healing, I'm still not okay with what happened, and I never will be. There is an empty seat at the table, an empty seat in the van, there is an empty bed every evening, there is an extra robe hanging on the girl's wall, I can no longer divide packages of juice boxes evenly, there are more boys than girls in the house, we attend one less gymnastics practice a week, we only attend one gymnastics meet during a weekend instead of two, and Kaylee no longer has a sister to grow up with. Another thing that really bothers me is when I take the kids grocery shopping or to Walmart. There is always someone in the checkout lane that says, "Wow, you have your hands full with three kids." I want to scream out and yell shut up! I have 4 kids and my hands are not full!!! They never were. I didn't mind taking my kids with me to the store. When Carter was a baby, I would put him on my chest, put the other three kids in a cart, and pile everything around them. It was a pretty funny site. Of course the kids are older now and they walk beside me, but I still only have 3 kids with me, and it is just too easy. None of these things are okay with me! I absolutely hate them.

Olympics

2010-02-14T14:48:00.004-06:00

I'll admit it....I'm a big fan of Apolo Anton Ohno's, but I have not watched him skate yet. In fact, every time I see the Olympics on my television, I walk by and turn it off. I just can't stomach it right now, and I know that seems strange. Every time I hear the words, Winter Olympics, my mind flashes back to our little 2 bedroom house on Prickett Avenue. I see Jordan, almost 2 years old, playing on the floor, and I am holding a beautiful, brown eyed, brown hair, 6 month old little baby named Macie. She was the most adorable baby in the world with those huge eyes and spiky hair. I can still remember Ryan and I sitting on the couch, holding our daughter, and watching men's speed skating. The games are just another ugly reminder of how our life has changed.

2010-01-30T11:07:00.003-06:00

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Psalm 18:2

Ryan and I haven't been doing so well...The cold and dark days just add to the depression we feel. I think this month has been one of the hardest so far. The kids seem to be hurting a little more these days too. The idea of living with this hurt the rest of our lives is very daunting. There are so many days that I don't think I can do it. We have to put our trust in God, but it just really, really hard right now.

Going crazy....

2010-01-15T22:41:00.004-06:00

Kaylee turned 7 this week (the age Macie was when she died), and I wasn't expecting it to bother me so much....but it did. I look at how young and small Kaylee is, and it's just not fair for a little girl that young to die. There is so much Macie didn't get to see, do, and experience, and I am having a really hard time dealing with that right now. Kaylee gets to celebrate another birthday, but Macie didn't....how is that fair??? I'm scared of loosing Kaylee too. There is just something about the age of 7 that is really freaking me out right now! Just pray for us.....

Jesus Loves Me This I Know...

2010-01-07T15:19:00.009-06:00

OK, let's face it. When you lose a child, you don't feel loved by God. You feel like a terrible parent who's being punished by Him. You can't understand why the death happened and why God didn't prevent it. Fortunately, we know that God is good and He doesn't make mistakes, He even sends little reminders that He has Macie in His care, and He does love us.

I want to share a little God moment I had before Christmas....

It was a week before Christmas, and I was wrapping gifts and organizing them in nice little piles to ensure that each child had the same amount of presents. I looked down and realized I only had 3 piles, and my heart just shattered. I wanted to go out and purchase gifts for Macie, but I knew it wouldn't fix the hurt or fill the void, so I rejected the idea and continued to wrap.

That moment continued to haunt me, and they pain intensified as my birthday approached (my birthday is 6 days before Christmas). I was surprised by how heart sick I was on my birthday. Macie loved to make little gifts, cards, and books, and I didn't receive any from her this year. She didn't help make me a cake, she didn't sing happy birthday, and she didn't harass me about being older than Ryan. It just wasn't the same without her.

I was sitting on the couch having a pity party for myself, and I asked Ryan to get the mail. He brought in a package addressed to me. I opened it up, and inside were two shirts with the most beautiful scriptures on them... and they fit! I thought to myself, what a cool birthday gift, and I immediately felt the love of God and my mood lightened.

What I didn't tell you is that they are from a woman on the other side of the country. She found my blog and prays for us daily. She has sent cards or gifts before, and they are always at the most incredible times. She has no idea what size I am or when my birthday is. I have her e-mail address, so I sent a quick note telling her thank you and explaining how they arrived on my birthday. She sent the following reply, and it just shows how creative and loving God is.

Amanda,

Well...all I can say is...thank You Lord. I initially placed the shirt orders in November (that in itself took me a bit because I kept second guessing sizes). Before they mailed them, they called me and questioned the sizes. Long story short, they were cut differently, so I ordered what they recommended and, lo and behold, I was right and they were wrong. They were very apologetic and shipped the correct ones free and all. Then we were away for a week. When I got home they were waiting with eeeeeeeevvvvvvverything else at the post office. I'm telling you all of this because I'm amazed again at God's timing...and great love. HE knew it was your birthday; I did not. So...He orchestrated the supposed mistakes just so you'd get them at HIS right time :) As far as the shirts I picked, I remember you mentioning about the Psalm. Can't remember if I told you this already, but that shirt was released right at the time of that particular blog post. The Peace one was shortly thereafter.

Why a casket for a small child???

2009-12-19T12:02:00.003-06:00

Someone e-mailed me a very fitting devotion the other day, and this link was on the page. It sums up all that I feel and want to be able to say. You can click here to read it.
http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2009/12/caskets-should-never-be-made-child.html

Thank you Erin....

The Ghost of Christmas Past

2009-12-11T20:21:00.007-06:00

Thanksgiving

2009-12-03T11:13:00.006-06:00

To say the least, Thanksgiving was very difficult. Before dinner, we went to the cemetery and decorated a tree for Macie. We put the tree out there not just for us, but for anyone that would like to bring Macie an ornament for Christmas. Even though Thanksgiving was difficult, I am still thankful. I am thankful for my family, my wonderful husband, my healthy children, and my salvation that will allow me to spend eternity with Macie.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

Sorry again

2009-11-23T14:59:00.003-06:00

I thought I would send a quick apology again. I had an overwhelming amount of messages and e-mails after our interview, and I have not had a chance to respond to all of them yet. Thank you for all your kind words, prayers, and encouragement. We appreciate all your support-even if we can't find the time and energy to respond to everyone!!!

The Crow's Nest

2009-11-21T09:06:00.005-06:00

I find myself having a hard time posting things about the other kids here. I want this to be a page about Macie and our journey through grief. I started a new page for those of you that want to see what the other 3 are up to. It's also away to keep a record of our daily life. We feel like we are navigating our way through a black cloud and I'm afraid I will forget that I actually did live a life. I'm hoping it will become a page for us and the kids to look at and remember what we did. The link is to the left of this page. It is titled The Crow's Nest.

2009-11-18T13:46:00.004-06:00

"Mom, we're hurt!" Those are the last words I heard in my old life. It's amazing how 3 words can trigger such strong physiological responses. The panic sets in, adrenaline starts pumping, your heart races, and a million thoughts and images go through your mind. Before I reached Jordan and Macie, I was picturing them stuck in the mud with broken bones, and that would have been bad enough. I wasn't prepared for the real image that would enter my mind. As I reached the top of the hill, my world went still, and everything in that instant changed. I can remember standing momentarily in disbelief, trying to convince myself that what I was seeing was not real. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Instead, my life was catapulted into instant chaos, unbearable decision making, funeral arrangements, regret, and constant agonizing grief.

I watched our story on Fox 2 news (http://www.fox2now.com/videobeta/watch/?watch=430df144-5b5a-4d0c-ab22-4db063a12213&src=front), but I still wasn't prepared to see and hear Macie saying, "Merry Christmas Mommy!" Those are words that I can never hear her say again. I have walked through the last couple of weeks feeling somewhat human again, but in reality, I was just acclimated to the new emotions, and had learned how to function with them. Little by little, new emotions and the realization of the loss become exposed. I believe that God has designed us in such a way that our body only allows bits and pieces of the reality to creep in one at a time. If everything you experience as a grieving parent were to hit you all at once, the body would completely shut down and die. With the holidays approaching, I can feel new layers of the grief being exposed. I dread the next 2 months, but I know with enough prayer and faith, I will survive. I miss my old life so much, but there is an even better life in heaven waiting for me, and that life includes Macie forever!

My flesh and my heart fail me: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Psalm 13

2009-11-01T19:18:00.004-06:00

I have found myself reading the book of psalms lately, and there is one psalm that constantly speaks to me.

Psalm 13
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and
every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say,"I have overcome him;
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

It is comforting to know that even people of great faith, like David, struggled too. I know that God is in control and HE does not make mistakes, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I'm constantly crying "WHY?" and "HELP!" I'm praying for the day when all questions will be answered, and there will be no more mourning, weeping, and death. I KNOW that there will be a day with no more tears, but I just want it to be yesterday.

Halloween

2009-10-30T22:40:00.010-05:00

I've been too exhausted to post anything or to even think lately. I was warned that grief takes a lot out of the body and exhausts all resources to keep you going. This is so unbelievably true! I could drink 3 lattes and still take a nap 20 minutes later. I'm really dreading the time change; I fear that the darkness will usher in a whole new level of exhaustion, depression, and despair. The approaching holidays are also a source of fear and anxiety. This Halloween was very hard, and the thought of Christmas shopping makes me want to vomit!

I did manage to dress up the kids and take them trick-or-treating. It wasn't the most enjoyable of circumstances but I survived. I just really wanted to dress Macie up in something cute and watch her run from house to house getting as much candy as she could. Our family has always treated Halloween as another family holiday. We all get together for soup or chili, hang out by a fire, and watch the kids run around dressed up in cute outfits gorging themselves with candy and sweets. Last year was really funny when Macie and her friend Elaina, decided to change their outfits and put on clown make-up. We walked into the bathroom to find her face completely covered in make-up, which turned out to be nail polish!

2008

Macie's first Halloween

This picture is from this Halloween. Jordan decided that he wanted be Moses, but he complained that the burlap and grey wig were too itchy, so he only wore part to the costume. Carter was going to be the burning bush, but he threw a fit when we tried to put on the costume, so he went as a ninja instead. Kaylee wore Macie's angel costume from last year

This picture was taken on a hayride the week before Halloween.

Macie's tooth

2009-10-14T11:44:00.004-05:00

We had the strangest thing happen to us the other day.... The past week has been exceptionally tough on all of us, and we are missing Macie more and more each day. Jordan and Kaylee were outside playing when Kaylee looked down and found this tooth. It is Macie's tooth! She lost it last year about this time and dropped it outside. It was absolutely amazing that Kaylee found this after a year of rain, snow, dirt work, landscaping, etc. It was nice to get a little piece of Macie-even if it is only her tooth.

Tired

2009-09-27T19:27:00.004-05:00

Today is September 27, and it has been 6 months since Macie went to heaven. There are days that I still don't comprehend that this really has happened. Sometimes, I think I will wake up one day and realize that I was mentally insane, and it wasn't for real. There are so many emotions that come and go on days like these, but the only emotion that I can really explain is that I am tired!
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I'm tired of this new life. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling nauseous. I'm tired of feeling scared. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of waking up to this reality everyday. I'm tired of visiting a cemetery for days that should be celebrations. I'm tired of replaying the accident. I'm tired of the aching arms. I'm tired of my dirty house. I'm tired of not being focused. I'm tired of thinking the kids are hurt or worse anytime they yell mom. I'm tired of my to-do list. I'm tired of not knowing what a marriage should feel like anymore. I'm tired of comforting others and telling them that it will be OK when all I want to do is scream! I'm tired of people that flinch when I speak my daughter's name. I'm tired of seeing other mothers getting annoyed with their children when I'm out shopping. I'm tired of other people that are able to move on with their life. I'm tired of people thinking that the accident was more than a year ago. I'm tired of other people that just don't or can't understand. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I feel decent one day. I'm tired of Jordan, Kaylee, and Carter's hearts hurting and not being able to make it better. I'm tired of asking why? I'm tired of wondering why me? I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of realizing that I need to do this for the rest of my life!
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Thankfully, we have a LORD that says-come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

School and Clovers

2009-09-25T07:54:00.009-05:00

Lately, I have not had the desire to blog or even really talk to anyone. There are lots of people that have called and e-mailed, but I never seem to find the time or energy to respond. PLEASE don't take it personally. Many of you have inquired about the kids, and they are doing great. Of course they function through the daily sadness, just like Ryan and I do, but physically and academically they are wonderful.
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We are homeschooling the kiddos this year, and it has been a wonderful change. It is definitely a different way of life, and I am so happy about our decision. There was a lot of concern from well-meaning individuals about our decision, because they thought we were homeschooling because of the accident. Truth be told, Ryan and I had already decided that 2008-2009 would be our last year of public school. We had already purchased all the curriculum and had the entire 2009-2010 school year scheduled and planned out. We just did not tell everyone of our decision yet. We are friends with other families that homeschool and we felt that it was something that we were called to do. We pulled the kids out of school right after the accident. It only seemed natural to have them home where we could all grieve together.
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The kids have gotten into the swing of things and are learning everyday! I never knew how rewarding it would be to watch your son learn his division facts or to watch your daughter learn to read. It is wonderful knowing that they are learning these things from their parents. I get to watch them learn these things rather than it happening at school. It's just as exciting as watching a toddler learning to walk and talk.
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I also have the peace of knowing that I am spending enough time with them. I don't have to feel guilty when I am working during an evening, or that the kids are gone from the house too much doing extra curricular activities. I always hated the nights when I would pick them up from school, bring them home, do homework, feed them, and drop someone off at a lesson. It was even worse when I would leave for the evening to teach. Family life just should not be that way! Not only do the kids have more time at home, they have more quality time with friends. During the school year, our lives were so busy that there was hardly anytime for friends outside of school and evening activities. The kids now get together with their other homeschooled friends twice during the week for skating, playing at the park, and field trips! The only thing missing is MACIE.
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Every morning, we notice the empty chair that she should be in. She was really excited about being home for school. I had planned on teaching her at the same level as Jordan. She was (is) so bright! She wouldn't have had any trouble keeping up with Jordan. Every time we do a new lesson, I picture Macie sitting there, trying to get done faster than everyone else. I do get little reminders that she is still with us. Twice, while doing school outside, I looked down and found a 4 leaf clover. One time, it seemed like an audible voice telling me to look down. These just remind me that I still have, and WILL always have, 4 children!

Jordan and Kaylee hanging birdseed feeders at the cemetery for Macie. The kids made these as an art project for the week.

Macie's Tree

2009-09-10T21:45:00.002-05:00

On September 10 (which so happened to be Ryan's birthday), The YMCA gymnastics team planted a tree in Macie's memory. They had a sweet little ceremony to honor her. The coaches placed the tree, then all the teammates took turns shoveling the dirt to fill the hole. Jordan stepped in to help finish the job. He is such a good big brother. It's the most beautiful, purple colored, red bud tree. The team girls are responsible for watering the tree during practices. I thought that was a really cute idea. They will also be placing a stone in the YMCA memorial garden. It's very touching to see how much all of her teammates loved her. The Y has also started a Macie Crow scholarship fund to help girls less fortunate participate in gymnastics. A very sweet team member (sorry, not sure if she wants her name on the web) came up with the idea, and worked her little tail off to hold a family fun night in memory of Macie to raise money for the scholarship. My wonderful mother-in-law made this picture for us, and gave it to us at the ceremony. The drawing was done by Macie, and it was taped to a wall in their house. She thought the tree was appropriate for the ceremony, so she placed a gymnastics picture of Macie on it with one of the badges made by the gymnastics team. Isn't it cute!

Birthday and returning to work

2009-08-27T21:40:00.008-05:00

Ahh, it's been awhile since I have posted, and I'm not sure where to start.

Macie's birthday (the entire month really) was very difficult. I can't even begin to describe how it feels to wake up knowing it is your daughter's birthday, but she isn't there. It is absolutely horrible and heart wrenching. As her mother, I really wanted to honor her, so we held a celebration of her life at the cemetery. I didn't get a count of people, but it was estimated that at least 75 people, maybe more, came out to remember Macie. It was heartwarming to see how many people still think of her and our family. We asked everyone to bring a helium balloon with a special message to Macie on it. We had prayer, sang "Happy Birthday," and released dozens of balloons (my apologies to all the environmentalists out there). My balloon and Ryan's got stuck in a nearby tree and they are still there. You can see them every time we visit. I guess some of them were just meant to be left behind. We then released 8 doves to symbolize her 8th birthday. God even sent us a rainbow called a sun halo. It kept peaking through the clouds, although I don't think everyone noticed it. I know it is God promising us that everything will be fine, and that she is safe in his arms. The day was both horrible and beautiful at the same time.

The week after her birthday, brought yet another mess of emotions. I had to finally get myself organized and prepared to return back to work. The thought of leaving the kids was enough to make me ill. I was dreading the idea of standing in front of 90 students and explaining what I am going through. I just didn't think I would be focused and prepared enough to start teaching again. Fortunately, I was wrong. I made it through my first week of classes and it actually brought a much needed distraction (although the thoughts and images never leave my mind). However, I did break down while driving home after my first evening class. I realized that the last time I was in a classroom, was the day she died, and images of finding her kept flashing in my mind. I'm prepared for this to happen occasionally, but I'm relieved to know that I am able to communicate with my students and focus on my work in the midst of all the emotions. I guess its just another form of multi-tasking-something I've always been good at. God gives you the strength you need, when you need it!

Macie's Headstone

2009-08-06T16:59:00.005-05:00

Macie's heastone arrived before her birthday. Although it is beautiful, it is not fair that we had to pick this out for our daughter. No parent should ever need to purchase a headstone for their child. Macie loved sunflowers, and we were able to find a stone with carved sunflowers on the side of it. The stone is a blueish-purple color. Very pretty-I think Macie would approve of our choice. We had some ceramic photos made for the front and back of the headstone. We also purchased an angel statue that is holding a kitten since she loved her cats so much.

This is front view of the stone

This is the back view

This is the back photo, and yes, both pictures are of Macie. Everyone thinks that the one picture is Kaylee. Ryan even asked me why I didn't add the boys too. The girls were really starting to look alike. The background is from one of her paintings.

Macie's Previous Birthdays

2009-08-03T12:35:00.011-05:00

It is one week until Macie's birthday.

Please continue to pray for our family as we approach this day.

I wanted to post some pictures from all of her birthdays!

Macie at birth

1st Birthday

2nd Birthday

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Jealousy

2009-07-26T09:13:00.002-05:00

It will be 4 months tomorrow, and it's hard to believe that much time has gone by. The last week and a half has been the hardest since the funeral. On July 16, Ryan's grandmother passed away. We were with her as she stepped into eternity. I have recently read a book where the author states, "suffering and loss make life a little less sweet and death a little less bitter." This statement is so very true. You know that your entire outlook on life has been flipped upside down when you watch someone pass away, and you find yourself being jealous of them. When she took her last breath, she was stepping into the presence of our Savior and my daughter. I desperately long for the day when I can do the same (don't worry- I would never cause that to happen). His grandmother's funeral was extremely difficult; all the raw pain and emotions were multiplied. I felt like I was experiencing Macie's funeral all over again.
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Besides the funeral, we are also dealing with some extended family disagreements, a conflict with a neighbor, and to top it all off, Macie's headstone still hasn't been delivered and set up. A dear relative told us to look at these circumstances as God given distractions. These trials force us to take some of the focus off the intense pain and direct it elsewhere. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how distracted I will be with Maice's birthday approaching. August 10th should be her 8th birthday. Please keep our family in your prayers as we approach another difficult day.

4th of July

2009-07-08T10:11:00.000-05:00

We are now home from our trip to Michigan, but before I get into that, you need to see this amazing picture below. I wasn't paying much attention to the date when I took it, but I later realized this occurred on June 27th (3 months after Macie left us). We were enjoying time as a family, watching the kids catch lightning bugs, when this beam of light appeared. It stayed for about an hour. We couldn't tell where it was coming from, but it was shinning near the accident site. The trees in the picture are in our back yard near the creek. This is the east side of the house, and the sun had already set in the west. It is hard to see how pretty it was from the picture, but there were beautiful rays of pink, purple, and blue.

Back to the trip...It was very relaxing and enjoyable. The kids had an absolute blast. It was refreshing to watch them smile all the time. We spent most of the time at the lake where Ryan's family camps during the summer. The weather was a lot colder than we expected, but the kids didn't mind. We still went out on the boat, and the kids even went tubing. It seems like Kaylee is trying to fill the role of the dare-devil now. She loved tubing and wanted to go faster, but Jordan wanted to go slower. The hardest part of the trip was watching the fireworks. Macie loved fireworks and the 4th of July (it was one of her favorite holidays). The day before we left, we went to Grand Haven to show the kids Lake Michigan and watch the sunset (too bad we missed it when we were looking down, cleaning the sand off of the kids feet). Kaylee was really cute; she had to pack some sand to take to Macie. She put together a little jar of sand and shells for the cemetery. Ryan and I felt guilty most of the trip being so far away from her body- I know that seems silly, but we both had this urge to be at the cemetery. We know that she was in our hearts everywhere we went, but we still felt like we were leaving her behind.

On our way home, we went to Chicago to take the kids to Shedd's Aquarium. They were having fun, but we were all ready to get back home. As we were leaving, I took some pictures of the skyline. There were rays of sun peaking out of the clouds, and it was beautiful. Macie always called them "Jesus clouds."

We were so glad to finally be home, but the knot in my stomach returned. Being surrounded by all of her things and pictures again, brought back the reality that this is permanent (at least on this side of eternity). So here we are now, continuing to walk in faith everyday.

Father's Day

2009-06-24T11:00:00.000-05:00

I think another layer of numbness has been lifted. My emotions are all over the place. I keep flashing back to that awful day, and my knees buckle and my world goes black momentarily. I keep thinking that maybe I'm insane, and that this isn't actually real. It will be 3 months, Saturday, and I still can't believe this has really happened. Everyone says that time will heal, but as time goes by, the pain of missing her increases. I need to tell myself, over and over and over again, that every new day, is one day closer to seeing her again.
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Sunday was father's day, and we made it through another holiday. We had additional reasons to celebrate. Kaylee, my sister, my parents, and in-laws were all baptized that day!!! It was hard not having Macie to celebrate with us. However, our spirits were lifted, when we saw my father and father-in-law, walk out of the dressing room with robes on that were entirely too short! We were all laughing at them and had to find longer robes! I thought about posting the picture (with the robes above their knees), but I think we have tortured them enough. I did include the pictures of the rest of the family. It turned out to be a good day.

We have officially transitioned into summer. I have successfully taken the kids swimming, we went to a carnival, we have caught lightening bugs, and went fishing. I have dreaded doing all of these things without my daughter, but I know that I still need to give my other children a fun life. It would be easy to lock myself in my room and sleep all the time, but that wouldn't benefit anyone. We will be going to Michigan next week for the 4th of July- I'm thinking that it will be good to get away for awhile.

Thanking God

2009-06-11T20:40:00.001-05:00

Today, had been a very difficult day, emotionally, and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I have been agonizing for the last couple of days about all the time I didn't get to spend with Macie and all the times that I was short tempered with her. I've been feeling really guilty about ever yelling at her or ignoring her. I keep thinking about the bad times rather than the all the great ones we had. I drove home from visiting a friend in Highland today with tears streaming down my face. I passed a drivers ed car and started thinking about how Macie will never drive a car, get married, or have kids. I started praying that God would give me some comfort and show me that it really is OK.
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A few hours later, I received a phone call from a woman that I have never met. She told me that she felt compelled to bring me something and asked if it would be OK for her to stop by. Of course I said, "yes" and gave her my address. She dropped off some beautiful flowers and a letter. The letter was amazing and completely changed my attitude. I asked permission to post her letter, but I am leaving the name off. It is amazing how quickly God answered my prayer today. Here is a copy of what she wrote:
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First of all, I am sorry for your great loss. I saw a picture of Macie in the newspaper. I am certain that her smile lit up your world. She seemed to be so full of joy. As I looked at her eyes, I did not see any hidden pain, just a carefree happiness. I feel compelled by the Holy Spirit to tell you that this little girl, your daughter, lived with such a vivacious anointing of life, until she literally touched everyone she came into contact with. She fulfilled the purpose and glory that God created her for.
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There is a special bond between a mother and her children. The love is so deep, it is almost indescribable. But, yet, there is Jesus, who loves her beyond human comprehension. After all, He is the one who sent that little bundle of joy into your life, your family, and many others. Some may be of the opinion that she had not yet begun to live. But live, indeed, she did. She lived each day as if there was no tomorrow; full of laughter, love, and life. She is a wonderful example of how Christ desires each of His children to live until we are called home. Her heavenly Father saw fit to spare her the heartaches that sometimes attend life. You and your family have been divinely blessed to have loved, nurtured, and shared with someone as special and unique as Macie.
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Let there be no regrets. You have done everything that Christ desired of you to do as a mother to Macie. You loved her wholeheartedly. How complete is that? That is why she was so happy; because she knew that she was loved completely by you and your family. I hope knowing this will bring you some comfort in these difficult times. I pray that Christ will heal you and your family's unbelievable pain. Please know that God is in control and He does not make mistakes.
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Is that not incredible? Who am I, that God would bless me like that through a complete stranger? I am very humbled by this, and my faith has been strengthened through this encounter. The bible says that God will never leave us or forsake us! I know that there are some of you that read this blog that do not have faith or understand. I also know that you probably think all this Holy Spirit and Jesus "talk" just seems crazy or weird. Don't worry, it doesn't offend me. Ryan and I used to think that "church people" were nuts. We just didn't understand how someone was "saved" or "born again" until it happened to us. It is my most sincere prayer, that everyone that reads these words will understand that personal relationship with Jesus, that Ryan and I now have. Of course, many of you know, that we didn't always have that faith or live like it. We promise, that it was the most important and gratifying decision we have ever made! There is a book called, The Case for Faith, by Lee Stobel; I believe everyone should read it if they are wondering if all this "faith stuff" is real. Trust us, it is real! We feel it everyday, and it is helping us survive the most devastating storm we could ever face.

Bittersweet

2009-06-04T22:23:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, May 27th marked the two month anniversary of Macie's departure to live in heaven. We decided to hold the dedication for her that day, since Memorial day looked like Noah's flood. Unfortunately, during dinner, it started to rain again. Our family and friends came anyway, so we lit candles, said a prayer, and released balloons to heaven as we all stood in the rain-if only that rain could wash away the sadness.
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On Friday, May 29th, some friends from church performed a benefit concert to celebrate Macie's life. The band was phenomenal and they did a beautiful job of honoring our daughter. I wish I had a couple of pictures, but I didn't think to take my camera. It was a wonderful evening with all our loved ones. We can't thank the band enough! (sorry-still leaving names out for privacy). Some of the proceeds were put aside to start the foundation we are planning in Macie's name.

The last couple of weeks have been very difficult. Ryan is working midnights and we have spent very little time with him. When he is gone, I have the house on lock-down and all the kids sleep with me. I have actually preferred this sleeping arrangement the last two months. For any of you that know me, this out of the ordinary. Our children always knew when bedtime was, and they were in their own beds without any protest (of course there was always the "5:00am sneak into the bedroom"-but that was OK as long as they went to bed like big kids and gave mommy and daddy some much needed time alone). But now everything has changed! Carter will still go to bed just fine, but Kaylee and Jordan are having a much harder time falling asleep. I just don't have the heart to make them go to their bedrooms alone. I know how bad my mind wanders when I'm alone, and I don't want them to go through the loneliness and fear that is felt when all is quite.
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Ryan has been suffering from anxiety in the middle of the night, especially when he is driving home as the sun comes up. The finality of the loss has settled in, and it occasionally comes and hits you so hard that it takes your breath away-literally! We just can't believe that she is gone. We can't smell her, feel her, hear her (you could always hear Macie-she was SO loud), or hold her ever again in this life. My arms just feel so empty.
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Wednesday would have been the last day of school. This is always our favorite day! I am always just as excited as the kids about the end of the school year-no more rushing around in the mornings and being away from each other. But yesterday didn't feel that way. Instead, I am hit with the realization that I need to go through the summer without Macie. She won't be in the pool, or at Six Flags, or helping me in the garden, or sleeping in, or even celebrating her birthday. It just plain sucks!!!!! I unpacked the kids swimsuits and just held and stared at hers for a long time. She absolutely loved swimming, and it just isn't fair that she won't be here with us. I took Kaylee to school on Tuesday for their yearly Ocean Olympics. When Kaylee's class went to the large inflatable water slides, Macie's class was there too. Out of around 20 classes, Macie's class just had to be the one sharing the slides with Kaylee's class. The girls would have been so excited to slide together, but of course that wasn't the case. I had to watch all of her friends having fun without her. It was a very hard moment.
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Now that summer has approached, Kaylee has moved up to level 3 team gymnastics at the YMCA. She now practices with the other team girls, and she is supposed to be practicing with her sister. I am proud of Kaylee and enjoy watching her, but Macie should be there too. The two of them should be bouncing around the gym floor and laughing. I look out and see Macie's teammates just feet away from Kaylee, and it breaks my heart. I'm glad that Kaylee is into gymnastics like her sister, but it is bittersweet.

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T21:57:00.000-05:00

We had planned on having some friends and relatives over as a dedication day to Macie, but the rain and flooding changed our plans. For the past month, we have been working on a memorial garden on the side of the house in memory of Macie. Our friends and relatives helped with the project, and it turned out beautiful. A dear friend's mother made a beautiful stained glass bench, my parents and in-laws bought a beautiful angel statue, my aunt bought a gorgeous plaque, the church gave us another plaque that is hanging on our tree, my parents purchased a memorial stone, and each of the kids picked out a little critter statue that they thought Macie would like. Ryan's friends generously gave their time and talents pouring a concrete walk-way and sitting area in the garden. My father also spent lots of time putting his landscape talents to work, making the garden perfect. We are hoping for this to be a happy, beautiful place where we can spend time as a family and honor Macie. Since the accident happened near our home, we wanted to take the focus off that area and put the focus on something beautiful. Building the garden was also very therapeutic. It gave us a project and goal, and it got the kids outdoors playing together.

The stepping stone below is one Macie made about 3 years ago.

I added it to her garden. She has always liked rainbows.

We were disappointed when we couldn't do the dedication today, but the day turned out well. We still got together with our immediate family for dinner and watched some home videos and the slide show from Macie's visitation. When we returned home, Brooke brought her kittens out to meet us. They are sooooo cute. We are keeping the orange one for sure. I just wish Macie were here to help care for them. She would be so excited. In fact, we would probably be fighting right now, because she would refuse to go to bed because she would be so preoccupied with the cats. She would also be stating her case as to why we should keep all of them and not just one. She would also try to set up their bed and food in her room. During bedtime prayers tonight, we asked God to tell her all about them!

Embrace

2009-05-22T22:24:00.001-05:00

Embrace.....the word keeps jumping into my head. I absolutely hate my new life! Yet, we still have joy in it. You read about peace and joy that surpasses all understanding in the bible (Philippians 4:4-9Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.), but you don't quite understand it until you are living it. This new life is not by choice, nor is it something we can change. It isn't a bad decision we have made, or a wrong turn that has lead us down an unwanted path. In that case, we could put the car in reverse and start over, and the only thing we would have lost is time. In some bad situations, you get a redo or an "oops, lets try again." Unfortunately, this isn't the case for us. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, we can do to change our situation. As much as we don't like it, this is the life we have. Life is a gift from God and we need to embrace it. Why should we only accept good from God? We need to trust that He is in control, and He knows what He is doing! I need to embrace the plans God has for us and always remember, that one day in Heaven, all these bad days will be infinitely out-numbered by glorious good days! Embrace your loved ones, and never take them for granted!

Kittens

2009-05-22T21:45:00.000-05:00

I forgot to tell you that Macie's cat had her kittens 2 weeks ago today. Unfortunately, we don't know how many there are. Brooke hid them in the crawl space under our bedroom. We could finally hear them meowing last night. We can't wait for them to come out to see which kitten we will keep. We are going to name the kitten Cassidy. After Pastor Fred was shot, Macie told me that she wanted a daughter named Cassidy, just like Pastor Fred, when she grew up. We will keep you posted! If anyone is looking for a kitten, let us know!

Generosity

2009-05-18T21:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, some friends put together a golf benefit for our family. We were blown away by the love, support, and generosity of everyone. There was a great turn-out, but the day was very sad. All those people were there because Macie died. I've been to other fundraisers before, and the money is usually going towards making the situation better, but in our case no amount of money can bring back our daughter. Instead, we are purchasing a headstone with all the donations. We are so blessed to have everyone help with that, yet it is very depressing. I have been looking around with my mother, and I think I know what to get her. It's a hard decision because I want it to be just perfect and beautiful!
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Our friends want this golf scramble to be an annual event to remember Macie. I would like to have it around her birthday every year. Of course the money will not go to us, rather some other charitable organization (maybe St. Jude or Compassion International). Ryan and I are already thinking of starting our own charity in Macie's name to help other children and families. I want to turn this horrible nightmare into a blessing for someone else. Another friend has already started a scholarship fund in her honor. The scholarship will be awarded to someone that would have been in her graduating class.
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Shortly after the funeral, Ryan and I decided to help a child through Compassion International. Everyone was so generous, and it was laid upon our hearts to give a little back and help another child. When I called the organization, I told them that I did not have a gender or age preference. I told them we wanted to sponsor any child that has been waiting a long time. We just received our sponsor packet a couple weeks ago, and they sent us a little girl just a few months older than Macie! Funny how God works!
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We just want to say we love everyone and we thank you for helping us!!!!!!!!

Macie's Rainbow

2009-05-13T14:58:00.000-05:00

These are the pictures of the "sun dog" that appeared as we were leaving the cemetery the day of the funeral. It stayed in the sky for about an hour after we returned to the church for lunch. They are in the order they were taken. No, the spots are not balloons! Pretty amazing huh?

First Mother's Day

2009-05-10T22:29:00.000-05:00

My first Mother's Day wasn't as bad as I thought, but I didn't want to take any pictures with the kids. I hate that I can't have the four of my children together like the years before. I just miss her so much. After church, we went to her grave to take her some flowers. There were a lot of people at the cemetery, and it seemed that all of them were taking flowers to their mothers and grandmothers, everyone except me. It's not fair that I have to visit my daughter on mother's day at a cemetery. At least it was a beautiful day, and we were able to visit awhile without the rain pouring down on us. The kids did really well there today. I'm hoping it can become a comfortable place for us. I would like to have picnics there after church every Sunday. It may take sometime before we can get to that point. Ryan still has a really hard time visiting. He has only been 3 times now. I, on the other hand, stop by frequently to drop off flowers, statues, etc. and I feel at peace when I am there.

The rest of the afternoon, we had a family get together at a relatives house (sorry, I'm trying not to put other names on here for privacy reasons). This was the first time, in almost 2 years, that the entire family has been together for a holiday (there has been some turmoil for awhile now on Ryan's side). Fortunately, there is some light at the end of the tunnel and it looks as if there can be some restoration. However, I hate that it takes the loss of my innocent daughter for everyone to open their eyes and see that life is too short to be angry at one another. I can only pray that some good comes out of our tragedy.

Arch Nov. 2008

Macie's crafts

2009-05-10T20:34:00.000-05:00

My family was remembering all the crafty stuff Macie used to do. These are two pictures of Kaylee wearing a shirt that Macie made her (by hand at her Grandma Carla's house). She also made me a dress, but it was too tight so I don't have a picture of me wearing it. It is still hanging in my closet (you should see the material it was made from-really funny!)

Macie's Artwork

2009-05-08T22:09:00.000-05:00

I wanted to share some drawings of Macie's. She loved to be creative. The picture above was on my mother-in-laws refrigerator. She found it tucked beneath some other papers a couple of days after her funeral. I will be posting some amazing pictures from the day of the funeral soon and you will understand why this was so amazing to all of us.

What's even more bizarre, is that 3 nights ago, my mother was going through some old mother's day gifts from the grandchildren and found this from Jordan (the picture posted below) in her mother's day box from 2007 (when Jordan would have been 7). This picture had been in the box for 2 years still perfectly folded without any wrinkles. How incredibly weird is that!!! We are still trying to find out exactly when Macie made her picture. My mother-in-law can recall her making it at her house and hanging it on the fridge within the last couple of months.

The picture below is a self-portrait. She always included her mole! Isn't that cute.

She loved that beauty mark.

This was from her 2nd grade class

This was a drawing/painting that she worked on for over a month.
She was constantly taking it off the wall and adding some other design, paint, or glitter.
It is now framed in our sitting room.

Our Faith

2009-05-08T12:05:00.001-05:00

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."- Philippians 4:13

I have heard a lot of people saying, "you are so strong" and "how are you doing this?" I want to clarify that we are not strong, but our God is! It is His strength that we allow to work through us in this tragic time. Being strong is all we have if we want to survive. There is not another option! I praise God for our salvation through Christ because without it we would completely crumble. We have the blessed hope and assurance of seeing Macie again someday. However, in the meantime, we need to be parents to our other three children here on Earth. They deserve good parents just like Macie did, and we need to be strong for them everyday!
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Philippians 4:4-94:4 Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! 4:5 Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near! 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. 4:7 And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Learning to Live with the Loss

2009-05-08T00:21:00.002-05:00

Our happy family has been torn apart and will no longer be the same! How do you come to terms knowing that your life will now have a "new normal" and you hate it?!?

Ryan and I now belong to the exclusive club of "parents that have lost a child."

Unfortunately, its not as small as you think and its members come out of the woodwork when they have heard of your initiation to the club. Every club member wants out, but there is no revoking your membership. If only you could stop payment and someone could kick you out.

I look at this picture of me with my husband (which my Macie took) and wonder if we can take a picture like that ever again?? So why do I put these pictures on and write about it you wonder? Well another member of this new club of mine told me about her blog. Well I checked it out, it made me cry, and I started my own. I've been sitting at the computer for the past 4 hours trying to make some sense out of my life.

I have a hard time calling people back and replying to e-mails. I know everyone is concerned and wants to know our thoughts, feelings, and if there is anything they can do to help. I thought maybe posting our feelings maybe once a week could be a way to keep everyone informed and maybe it will be therapy for me/us. I have a couple of journals, but I don't pick them up enough. I do, however, check my e-mail and the weather daily, so it only makes sense to spend a few moments typing my feelings. I hope to get Ryan to do the same.

One thing I think everyone should know:

Do not to be afraid to speak Macie's name and talk about her!!!!

People are afraid to bring it up as if it will open old wounds. Don't worry, we ALWAYS think about her. Every single waking (and sleeping) moment revolves around her! If only we could forget the pain for even 10 minutes, but we don't. I know other parents who have lost children 5+ years ago that still have their child on their mind constantly. It's not like saying their name brings up bad feelings, it can actually do the opposite. The bereaved parents want people to still keep their child's memory alive. Speaking about the child, or telling a memory, actually helps the parent. Pretending to forget, or never mentioning the child and removing pictures, only kills the child all over again. Just a bit of advice in case you know someone else that has lost a child.

I hate that I can't have anymore cute pictures like the one above. I wonder when I will ever want to take a family picture again?.........