I have found myself reading the book of psalms lately, and there is one psalm that constantly speaks to me.
Psalm 13
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and
every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say,"I have overcome him;
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
It is comforting to know that even people of great faith, like David, struggled too. I know that God is in control and HE does not make mistakes, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I'm constantly crying "WHY?" and "HELP!" I'm praying for the day when all questions will be answered, and there will be no more mourning, weeping, and death. I KNOW that there will be a day with no more tears, but I just want it to be yesterday.
About Me
- Crow
- Hello and welcome to my blog! My name is Amanda Crow. I am a mother of four amazing children: three who are here with me on earth, and one who is awaiting our reunion in heaven. I am a homeschooling mom who embraces the life God has given me.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Halloween
I've been too exhausted to post anything or to even think lately. I was warned that grief takes a lot out of the body and exhausts all resources to keep you going. This is so unbelievably true! I could drink 3 lattes and still take a nap 20 minutes later. I'm really dreading the time change; I fear that the darkness will usher in a whole new level of exhaustion, depression, and despair. The approaching holidays are also a source of fear and anxiety. This Halloween was very hard, and the thought of Christmas shopping makes me want to vomit!
I did manage to dress up the kids and take them trick-or-treating. It wasn't the most enjoyable of circumstances but I survived. I just really wanted to dress Macie up in something cute and watch her run from house to house getting as much candy as she could. Our family has always treated Halloween as another family holiday. We all get together for soup or chili, hang out by a fire, and watch the kids run around dressed up in cute outfits gorging themselves with candy and sweets. Last year was really funny when Macie and her friend Elaina, decided to change their outfits and put on clown make-up. We walked into the bathroom to find her face completely covered in make-up, which turned out to be nail polish!
I did manage to dress up the kids and take them trick-or-treating. It wasn't the most enjoyable of circumstances but I survived. I just really wanted to dress Macie up in something cute and watch her run from house to house getting as much candy as she could. Our family has always treated Halloween as another family holiday. We all get together for soup or chili, hang out by a fire, and watch the kids run around dressed up in cute outfits gorging themselves with candy and sweets. Last year was really funny when Macie and her friend Elaina, decided to change their outfits and put on clown make-up. We walked into the bathroom to find her face completely covered in make-up, which turned out to be nail polish!
2008
Macie's first Halloween
This picture is from this Halloween. Jordan decided that he wanted be Moses, but he complained that the burlap and grey wig were too itchy, so he only wore part to the costume. Carter was going to be the burning bush, but he threw a fit when we tried to put on the costume, so he went as a ninja instead. Kaylee wore Macie's angel costume from last year
This picture was taken on a hayride the week before Halloween.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Macie's tooth
We had the strangest thing happen to us the other day.... The past week has been exceptionally tough on all of us, and we are missing Macie more and more each day. Jordan and Kaylee were outside playing when Kaylee looked down and found this tooth. It is Macie's tooth! She lost it last year about this time and dropped it outside. It was absolutely amazing that Kaylee found this after a year of rain, snow, dirt work, landscaping, etc. It was nice to get a little piece of Macie-even if it is only her tooth.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Tired
Today is September 27, and it has been 6 months since Macie went to heaven. There are days that I still don't comprehend that this really has happened. Sometimes, I think I will wake up one day and realize that I was mentally insane, and it wasn't for real. There are so many emotions that come and go on days like these, but the only emotion that I can really explain is that I am tired!
.
I'm tired of this new life. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling nauseous. I'm tired of feeling scared. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of waking up to this reality everyday. I'm tired of visiting a cemetery for days that should be celebrations. I'm tired of replaying the accident. I'm tired of the aching arms. I'm tired of my dirty house. I'm tired of not being focused. I'm tired of thinking the kids are hurt or worse anytime they yell mom. I'm tired of my to-do list. I'm tired of not knowing what a marriage should feel like anymore. I'm tired of comforting others and telling them that it will be OK when all I want to do is scream! I'm tired of people that flinch when I speak my daughter's name. I'm tired of seeing other mothers getting annoyed with their children when I'm out shopping. I'm tired of other people that are able to move on with their life. I'm tired of people thinking that the accident was more than a year ago. I'm tired of other people that just don't or can't understand. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I feel decent one day. I'm tired of Jordan, Kaylee, and Carter's hearts hurting and not being able to make it better. I'm tired of asking why? I'm tired of wondering why me? I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of realizing that I need to do this for the rest of my life!
.
Thankfully, we have a LORD that says-come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
.
I'm tired of this new life. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling nauseous. I'm tired of feeling scared. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of waking up to this reality everyday. I'm tired of visiting a cemetery for days that should be celebrations. I'm tired of replaying the accident. I'm tired of the aching arms. I'm tired of my dirty house. I'm tired of not being focused. I'm tired of thinking the kids are hurt or worse anytime they yell mom. I'm tired of my to-do list. I'm tired of not knowing what a marriage should feel like anymore. I'm tired of comforting others and telling them that it will be OK when all I want to do is scream! I'm tired of people that flinch when I speak my daughter's name. I'm tired of seeing other mothers getting annoyed with their children when I'm out shopping. I'm tired of other people that are able to move on with their life. I'm tired of people thinking that the accident was more than a year ago. I'm tired of other people that just don't or can't understand. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I feel decent one day. I'm tired of Jordan, Kaylee, and Carter's hearts hurting and not being able to make it better. I'm tired of asking why? I'm tired of wondering why me? I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of realizing that I need to do this for the rest of my life!
.
Thankfully, we have a LORD that says-come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Friday, September 25, 2009
School and Clovers
Lately, I have not had the desire to blog or even really talk to anyone. There are lots of people that have called and e-mailed, but I never seem to find the time or energy to respond. PLEASE don't take it personally. Many of you have inquired about the kids, and they are doing great. Of course they function through the daily sadness, just like Ryan and I do, but physically and academically they are wonderful.
.
We are homeschooling the kiddos this year, and it has been a wonderful change. It is definitely a different way of life, and I am so happy about our decision. There was a lot of concern from well-meaning individuals about our decision, because they thought we were homeschooling because of the accident. Truth be told, Ryan and I had already decided that 2008-2009 would be our last year of public school. We had already purchased all the curriculum and had the entire 2009-2010 school year scheduled and planned out. We just did not tell everyone of our decision yet. We are friends with other families that homeschool and we felt that it was something that we were called to do. We pulled the kids out of school right after the accident. It only seemed natural to have them home where we could all grieve together.
.
The kids have gotten into the swing of things and are learning everyday! I never knew how rewarding it would be to watch your son learn his division facts or to watch your daughter learn to read. It is wonderful knowing that they are learning these things from their parents. I get to watch them learn these things rather than it happening at school. It's just as exciting as watching a toddler learning to walk and talk.
.
I also have the peace of knowing that I am spending enough time with them. I don't have to feel guilty when I am working during an evening, or that the kids are gone from the house too much doing extra curricular activities. I always hated the nights when I would pick them up from school, bring them home, do homework, feed them, and drop someone off at a lesson. It was even worse when I would leave for the evening to teach. Family life just should not be that way! Not only do the kids have more time at home, they have more quality time with friends. During the school year, our lives were so busy that there was hardly anytime for friends outside of school and evening activities. The kids now get together with their other homeschooled friends twice during the week for skating, playing at the park, and field trips! The only thing missing is MACIE.
.
Every morning, we notice the empty chair that she should be in. She was really excited about being home for school. I had planned on teaching her at the same level as Jordan. She was (is) so bright! She wouldn't have had any trouble keeping up with Jordan. Every time we do a new lesson, I picture Macie sitting there, trying to get done faster than everyone else. I do get little reminders that she is still with us. Twice, while doing school outside, I looked down and found a 4 leaf clover. One time, it seemed like an audible voice telling me to look down. These just remind me that I still have, and WILL always have, 4 children!
.
We are homeschooling the kiddos this year, and it has been a wonderful change. It is definitely a different way of life, and I am so happy about our decision. There was a lot of concern from well-meaning individuals about our decision, because they thought we were homeschooling because of the accident. Truth be told, Ryan and I had already decided that 2008-2009 would be our last year of public school. We had already purchased all the curriculum and had the entire 2009-2010 school year scheduled and planned out. We just did not tell everyone of our decision yet. We are friends with other families that homeschool and we felt that it was something that we were called to do. We pulled the kids out of school right after the accident. It only seemed natural to have them home where we could all grieve together.
.
The kids have gotten into the swing of things and are learning everyday! I never knew how rewarding it would be to watch your son learn his division facts or to watch your daughter learn to read. It is wonderful knowing that they are learning these things from their parents. I get to watch them learn these things rather than it happening at school. It's just as exciting as watching a toddler learning to walk and talk.
.
I also have the peace of knowing that I am spending enough time with them. I don't have to feel guilty when I am working during an evening, or that the kids are gone from the house too much doing extra curricular activities. I always hated the nights when I would pick them up from school, bring them home, do homework, feed them, and drop someone off at a lesson. It was even worse when I would leave for the evening to teach. Family life just should not be that way! Not only do the kids have more time at home, they have more quality time with friends. During the school year, our lives were so busy that there was hardly anytime for friends outside of school and evening activities. The kids now get together with their other homeschooled friends twice during the week for skating, playing at the park, and field trips! The only thing missing is MACIE.
.
Every morning, we notice the empty chair that she should be in. She was really excited about being home for school. I had planned on teaching her at the same level as Jordan. She was (is) so bright! She wouldn't have had any trouble keeping up with Jordan. Every time we do a new lesson, I picture Macie sitting there, trying to get done faster than everyone else. I do get little reminders that she is still with us. Twice, while doing school outside, I looked down and found a 4 leaf clover. One time, it seemed like an audible voice telling me to look down. These just remind me that I still have, and WILL always have, 4 children!
Jordan and Kaylee hanging birdseed feeders at the cemetery for Macie. The kids made these as an art project for the week.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Macie's Tree
On September 10 (which so happened to be Ryan's birthday), The YMCA gymnastics team planted a tree in Macie's memory. They had a sweet little ceremony to honor her. The coaches placed the tree, then all the teammates took turns shoveling the dirt to fill the hole. Jordan stepped in to help finish the job. He is such a good big brother. It's the most beautiful, purple colored, red bud tree. The team girls are responsible for watering the tree during practices. I thought that was a really cute idea. They will also be placing a stone in the YMCA memorial garden. It's very touching to see how much all of her teammates loved her. The Y has also started a Macie Crow scholarship fund to help girls less fortunate participate in gymnastics. A very sweet team member (sorry, not sure if she wants her name on the web) came up with the idea, and worked her little tail off to hold a family fun night in memory of Macie to raise money for the scholarship. 
My wonderful mother-in-law made this picture for us, and gave it to us at the ceremony. The drawing was done by Macie, and it was taped to a wall in their house. She thought the tree was appropriate for the ceremony, so she placed a gymnastics picture of Macie on it with one of the badges made by the gymnastics team. Isn't it cute!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Birthday and returning to work
Ahh, it's been awhile since I have posted, and I'm not sure where to start.
Macie's birthday (the entire month really) was very difficult. I can't even begin to describe how it feels to wake up knowing it is your daughter's birthday, but she isn't there. It is absolutely horrible and heart wrenching. As her mother, I really wanted to honor her, so we held a celebration of her life at the cemetery. I didn't get a count of people, but it was estimated that at least 75 people, maybe more, came out to remember Macie. It was heartwarming to see how many people still think of her and our family. We asked everyone to bring a helium balloon with a special message to Macie on it. We had prayer, sang "Happy Birthday," and released dozens of balloons (my apologies to all the environmentalists out there). My balloon and Ryan's got stuck in a nearby tree and they are still there. You can see them every time we visit. I guess some of them were just meant to be left behind. We then released 8 doves to symbolize her 8th birthday. God even sent us a rainbow called a sun halo. It kept peaking through the clouds, although I don't think everyone noticed it. I know it is God promising us that everything will be fine, and that she is safe in his arms. The day was both horrible and beautiful at the same time.
The week after her birthday, brought yet another mess of emotions. I had to finally get myself organized and prepared to return back to work. The thought of leaving the kids was enough to make me ill. I was dreading the idea of standing in front of 90 students and explaining what I am going through. I just didn't think I would be focused and prepared enough to start teaching again. Fortunately, I was wrong. I made it through my first week of classes and it actually brought a much needed distraction (although the thoughts and images never leave my mind). However, I did break down while driving home after my first evening class. I realized that the last time I was in a classroom, was the day she died, and images of finding her kept flashing in my mind. I'm prepared for this to happen occasionally, but I'm relieved to know that I am able to communicate with my students and focus on my work in the midst of all the emotions. I guess its just another form of multi-tasking-something I've always been good at. God gives you the strength you need, when you need it!
Macie's birthday (the entire month really) was very difficult. I can't even begin to describe how it feels to wake up knowing it is your daughter's birthday, but she isn't there. It is absolutely horrible and heart wrenching. As her mother, I really wanted to honor her, so we held a celebration of her life at the cemetery. I didn't get a count of people, but it was estimated that at least 75 people, maybe more, came out to remember Macie. It was heartwarming to see how many people still think of her and our family. We asked everyone to bring a helium balloon with a special message to Macie on it. We had prayer, sang "Happy Birthday," and released dozens of balloons (my apologies to all the environmentalists out there). My balloon and Ryan's got stuck in a nearby tree and they are still there. You can see them every time we visit. I guess some of them were just meant to be left behind. We then released 8 doves to symbolize her 8th birthday. God even sent us a rainbow called a sun halo. It kept peaking through the clouds, although I don't think everyone noticed it. I know it is God promising us that everything will be fine, and that she is safe in his arms. The day was both horrible and beautiful at the same time.
The week after her birthday, brought yet another mess of emotions. I had to finally get myself organized and prepared to return back to work. The thought of leaving the kids was enough to make me ill. I was dreading the idea of standing in front of 90 students and explaining what I am going through. I just didn't think I would be focused and prepared enough to start teaching again. Fortunately, I was wrong. I made it through my first week of classes and it actually brought a much needed distraction (although the thoughts and images never leave my mind). However, I did break down while driving home after my first evening class. I realized that the last time I was in a classroom, was the day she died, and images of finding her kept flashing in my mind. I'm prepared for this to happen occasionally, but I'm relieved to know that I am able to communicate with my students and focus on my work in the midst of all the emotions. I guess its just another form of multi-tasking-something I've always been good at. God gives you the strength you need, when you need it!
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