Cemeteries seem to have a life cycle of their own. This is something that I never realized until a cemetery became a part of our life. Within the last 14 months, I have noticed how the cemetery changes with the seasons and with each new burial.
It's very obvious when someone new has been buried. There is a large rectangle of dirt and usually fresh flowers placed on top. Within a week or two, the flowers disappear, and a temporary grave marker shows up in their place. The dirt starts to settle, and eventually sod and a headstone will be placed on the rectangular patch of dirt. Even though the sod is added, it is still very obvious that the site is still new. The rectangle is still visible, reminding you that your loved one is below. The sod is either very green and lush, or it is dried out due to a lack of rain. For the first year, you can still see that rectangle.
During the winter months, Macie's sod stayed green while the grass around it went dormant. It was still obvious where her grave was dug. Well this week, I went to the cemetery to see the landscape stones and the flowers that my mother had planted. What I saw took me by surprise. It wasn't the beautiful arrangement in front of the headstone that shocked me; it was the grass. The sod has now been established, and the native species have moved in and mixed with the new grass. The result is a plot of grass that is indistinguishable from the surrounding area. Her rectangle was gone. I realized how long she has been gone. There isn't a trace of the ground ever being disturbed. Macie's site has become a part of the landscape. The ground has healed from it's scars, but our hearts haven't.
About Me
- Crow
- Hello and welcome to my blog! My name is Amanda Crow. I am a mother of four amazing children: three who are here with me on earth, and one who is awaiting our reunion in heaven. I am a homeschooling mom who embraces the life God has given me.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Where to start.....
Well, it's been over a month since I have blogged, and I really don't know where to begin. This has been on my to-do list for way too long, but I just don't have any way of articulating my feelings or emotions (I've never been a writer...remember I'm a biology teacher). It was just easier to put this aside....I guess part of me just thought that if I ignored it, then maybe an entire year didn't really pass. Unfortunately, it did. I can't believe I have lived a year without my daughter. I must have been in auto-pilot the entire time because I just can't wrap my mind around this entire experience. I will save the "what I learned through pain" for another time, but for now I thought it would just be best to catch you up....so here I go.
Let's see...March 26, 2010-some wonderful friends of ours thought it would be a great idea to have a memorial dinner for Macie-and of course they were right. The church let them use a large room, and they made dinner for our close friends and family. It was a time to reflect on the year and remember Macie (not that any of us forget). It's amazing how many wonderful people God has put in our lives. We are so thankful to all of you!!!! remember I don't like using other names on here, but you know who you are, and we love you all!!!!!!
March 27, 2010-Well, we all know what that day is. The dreaded anniversary day. I think the anticipation of this day was actually worse than the day itself. The day really didn't feel any different than the other 364 days of hell we experienced. Ryan and Jordan woke-up early and went turkey hunting (it was the first day of Jordan's youth hunt...ironic huh?). It was really good to have something exciting for Jordan to do that day. Actually, the kids didn't even know what day it was....we just thought it would be best to not bring it up.
It was also opening day for Rookies soccer, and it was Carter's first soccer game ever (can you believe my baby is actually old enough for sports???). Much to my surprise, he got onto the field and hid his face in his shirt...I never saw that one coming (he is finally playing now, but the season will end tomorrow-oh well). After Carter's game, we went to the cemetery, came home and ate some lunch, planted some flowers (a gift from another woman living with grief), and realized that my kids' school books, art supplies, and paper work had taken over my dinning room. So, I did what I like to do best-I organized!!!! I just couldn't take the mess anymore, and I cleaned the rest of the day.
March 28, 2010- I painted (another thing I like to do). It all started with a beautiful quilt. Right before Christmas, some women from church made us a beautiful quilt made with Macie's clothes. I placed it carefully on the rocking chair in my room, but I just knew it wasn't where it belonged. So in early March, I hung it in Macie and Kaylee's room. That alone was hard to do because I had to paint over, and cover up, their names that I had hand-painted in their room. Once it was hanging there, I realized that the pink-with-black-swirls walls were clashing with the quilt. I let it go because I spent soooooo much time on that room.
But right before the anniversary, I was given another quilt from one of Macie's teammates. She was given the quilt that was actioned off at the Macie memorial fun night at the YMCA, and she wanted us to have it. So I hung that quilt on another wall in their room. With two gorgeous quilts now hanging in the room, it was time to repaint and give the room new life.
Shortly before the accident, Macie was asking to paint her room aqua. I said "no" because I just redecorated their room less than a year before that. So to honor her, we bought Kaylee a comforter with lots of aqua in it, and decided on a lavender color for the walls to match the quilts. The quilts now stand out, and Macie's room has the aqua she was asking for.
I also moved all of Macie's trophies, ribbons, and memorabilia above her bunk bed. It's our little sanctuary. I find myself there occasionally, and Kaylee likes to go up there to write in her journal and draw. However, we don't allow anyone else to go on her bed.
April 4, 2010- Easter. This was the second Easter without Macie. There was a distinct difference between this Easter and last Easter. Of course, Easter was only two weeks after the accident last year, and I was barely functioning and had absolutely nothing to look forward to. This year was different. I realized that there is absolutely NO reason to be sad on Easter!!!! The resurrection of Jesus is THE only thing that gives us hope, so how could we ever be sad on a day that celebrates what Christ did for us??? Without Easter, I would never see Macie again. I actually looked forward to this day with anticipation. That doesn't mean that I didn't miss Macie, and that they pain went away, but I had a new perspective. We also had our family from Michigan come for a visit. We stuffed over 400 eggs for an Easter egg hunt in our back yard, and all the family came over after church. The weather was perfect, and the kids had so much fun with their cousins. One of our older cousins brought a costume from her daycare, and she dressed up like the easter bunny for all the little ones. My kids have always known that the easter bunny is not real (we've always stressed the importance of Christ on Easter) and they were able to keep the secret and have fun with it!
Well, I'm really tired right now. I will post again very soon. Good night.
Let's see...March 26, 2010-some wonderful friends of ours thought it would be a great idea to have a memorial dinner for Macie-and of course they were right. The church let them use a large room, and they made dinner for our close friends and family. It was a time to reflect on the year and remember Macie (not that any of us forget). It's amazing how many wonderful people God has put in our lives. We are so thankful to all of you!!!! remember I don't like using other names on here, but you know who you are, and we love you all!!!!!!
March 27, 2010-Well, we all know what that day is. The dreaded anniversary day. I think the anticipation of this day was actually worse than the day itself. The day really didn't feel any different than the other 364 days of hell we experienced. Ryan and Jordan woke-up early and went turkey hunting (it was the first day of Jordan's youth hunt...ironic huh?). It was really good to have something exciting for Jordan to do that day. Actually, the kids didn't even know what day it was....we just thought it would be best to not bring it up.
It was also opening day for Rookies soccer, and it was Carter's first soccer game ever (can you believe my baby is actually old enough for sports???). Much to my surprise, he got onto the field and hid his face in his shirt...I never saw that one coming (he is finally playing now, but the season will end tomorrow-oh well). After Carter's game, we went to the cemetery, came home and ate some lunch, planted some flowers (a gift from another woman living with grief), and realized that my kids' school books, art supplies, and paper work had taken over my dinning room. So, I did what I like to do best-I organized!!!! I just couldn't take the mess anymore, and I cleaned the rest of the day.
March 28, 2010- I painted (another thing I like to do). It all started with a beautiful quilt. Right before Christmas, some women from church made us a beautiful quilt made with Macie's clothes. I placed it carefully on the rocking chair in my room, but I just knew it wasn't where it belonged. So in early March, I hung it in Macie and Kaylee's room. That alone was hard to do because I had to paint over, and cover up, their names that I had hand-painted in their room. Once it was hanging there, I realized that the pink-with-black-swirls walls were clashing with the quilt. I let it go because I spent soooooo much time on that room.
But right before the anniversary, I was given another quilt from one of Macie's teammates. She was given the quilt that was actioned off at the Macie memorial fun night at the YMCA, and she wanted us to have it. So I hung that quilt on another wall in their room. With two gorgeous quilts now hanging in the room, it was time to repaint and give the room new life.
Shortly before the accident, Macie was asking to paint her room aqua. I said "no" because I just redecorated their room less than a year before that. So to honor her, we bought Kaylee a comforter with lots of aqua in it, and decided on a lavender color for the walls to match the quilts. The quilts now stand out, and Macie's room has the aqua she was asking for.
I also moved all of Macie's trophies, ribbons, and memorabilia above her bunk bed. It's our little sanctuary. I find myself there occasionally, and Kaylee likes to go up there to write in her journal and draw. However, we don't allow anyone else to go on her bed.
April 4, 2010- Easter. This was the second Easter without Macie. There was a distinct difference between this Easter and last Easter. Of course, Easter was only two weeks after the accident last year, and I was barely functioning and had absolutely nothing to look forward to. This year was different. I realized that there is absolutely NO reason to be sad on Easter!!!! The resurrection of Jesus is THE only thing that gives us hope, so how could we ever be sad on a day that celebrates what Christ did for us??? Without Easter, I would never see Macie again. I actually looked forward to this day with anticipation. That doesn't mean that I didn't miss Macie, and that they pain went away, but I had a new perspective. We also had our family from Michigan come for a visit. We stuffed over 400 eggs for an Easter egg hunt in our back yard, and all the family came over after church. The weather was perfect, and the kids had so much fun with their cousins. One of our older cousins brought a costume from her daycare, and she dressed up like the easter bunny for all the little ones. My kids have always known that the easter bunny is not real (we've always stressed the importance of Christ on Easter) and they were able to keep the secret and have fun with it! The kids with the Michigan crew
Easter day 2010
Here are a couple pictures from the past.....
Well, I'm really tired right now. I will post again very soon. Good night.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The weekend
What a strange weekend. We celebrated Jordan's 10th birthday, and the YMCA held the 1st annual Macie Crow Memorial Invitational Meet....talk about emotionally exhausting!
Jordan's 9th birthday was the last time we had Macie at a family celebration. She passed away a week after Jordan's birthday party last year. Being lost in our grief, we sometimes forget about the miracle we have in front of us-Jordan. He could have easily been killed with her that day. He was trapped for 2 hours by a thousand pound slab of concrete. How did he survive with very minimal injuries??? Only God could do that! But then we question why the same God didn't do the same for Macie. There are so many questions that will never be answered on this side of eternity.
We are so blessed and thankful that the YMCA is keeping Macie's memory alive. Her memory dying would be equally painful, so thank you to all of you that remind us that you still think of Macie. Kaylee competed in the memorial meet, which was difficult for us. No little girl should have to compete in a gymnastics meet that is named after her deceased older sister. She is such a brave little girl. She has to attend practice without her sister by her side and compete without her here to cheer her on. At the end of the award ceremony, Kaylee was acknowledged, and we presented her with a World's Bravest Gymnast Award and some bouquets of flowers. I will post some pictures in a couple days.
Please keep praying for us as we approach the anniversary of Macie's death.
You can see pictures of my birthday boy on the Crow's Nest (the link on the left of this page). I will also put some of Kaylee's meet pictures there as well.
Jordan's 9th birthday was the last time we had Macie at a family celebration. She passed away a week after Jordan's birthday party last year. Being lost in our grief, we sometimes forget about the miracle we have in front of us-Jordan. He could have easily been killed with her that day. He was trapped for 2 hours by a thousand pound slab of concrete. How did he survive with very minimal injuries??? Only God could do that! But then we question why the same God didn't do the same for Macie. There are so many questions that will never be answered on this side of eternity.
We are so blessed and thankful that the YMCA is keeping Macie's memory alive. Her memory dying would be equally painful, so thank you to all of you that remind us that you still think of Macie. Kaylee competed in the memorial meet, which was difficult for us. No little girl should have to compete in a gymnastics meet that is named after her deceased older sister. She is such a brave little girl. She has to attend practice without her sister by her side and compete without her here to cheer her on. At the end of the award ceremony, Kaylee was acknowledged, and we presented her with a World's Bravest Gymnast Award and some bouquets of flowers. I will post some pictures in a couple days.
Please keep praying for us as we approach the anniversary of Macie's death.
You can see pictures of my birthday boy on the Crow's Nest (the link on the left of this page). I will also put some of Kaylee's meet pictures there as well.
Monday, March 8, 2010
It's March
Well, it's finally March. This used to be one of my favorite times of the year. My crocuses are blooming, my daffodils, tulips, and lilies are emerging. The weather is warming, and the kids are spending a lot of time outside. March is the month of our wedding anniversary (11 years this past Saturday) and our firstborn's birthday (Jordan will be 10 this year...I just can't believe it). But now, March has become a very ugly month for us. It now marks tragedy and sadness.
Yesterday, our church held a service to remember and reflect on the events that took Pastor Fred's life on March 8, 2009. I wasn't prepared to feel as heartbroken as I did. In fact, my knees buckled several times, and the waves of helplessness rushed through, and I felt as if I were sitting at Macie's funeral again. I know that it was a day to remember our pastor, but what the 1500 people sitting around us in service didn't realize is that the week of his death marked the beginning of our story.
Last March, Ryan and I were sitting in the church waiting for Pastor Fred's funeral to begin when he received the phone call from Canada asking him to pack his bags and come work for a month. We spent the next two weeks (still in shock over the events that occurred in our own church) getting his passport, filling out paper work, packing bags, and preparing to not have Ryan with us for 4 or 5 weeks. Little did we know that the day he flew away, was going to be the last day of Macie's life.
Yesterday, some friends at church could tell by the look on my face that I wasn't having a good day. A lot of people were asking if I was okay? Well, the answer to that question is NO. Yes, we are okay physically and spiritually, the kids are thriving, our marriage is great, and we still have fun as a family everyday. There isn't a day that goes by where we still don't laugh and appreciate our lives. We are functioning pretty well. We keep up with the kids activities, stay on tract with their school work, and maintain the house (I'll admit that it isn't as clean and organized as I would like..but I know that there are more important things in life). So then why is my answer no?
While we are doing as well as we can and healing, I'm still not okay with what happened, and I never will be. There is an empty seat at the table, an empty seat in the van, there is an empty bed every evening, there is an extra robe hanging on the girl's wall, I can no longer divide packages of juice boxes evenly, there are more boys than girls in the house, we attend one less gymnastics practice a week, we only attend one gymnastics meet during a weekend instead of two, and Kaylee no longer has a sister to grow up with. Another thing that really bothers me is when I take the kids grocery shopping or to Walmart. There is always someone in the checkout lane that says, "Wow, you have your hands full with three kids." I want to scream out and yell shut up! I have 4 kids and my hands are not full!!! They never were. I didn't mind taking my kids with me to the store. When Carter was a baby, I would put him on my chest, put the other three kids in a cart, and pile everything around them. It was a pretty funny site. Of course the kids are older now and they walk beside me, but I still only have 3 kids with me, and it is just too easy. None of these things are okay with me! I absolutely hate them.
Yesterday, our church held a service to remember and reflect on the events that took Pastor Fred's life on March 8, 2009. I wasn't prepared to feel as heartbroken as I did. In fact, my knees buckled several times, and the waves of helplessness rushed through, and I felt as if I were sitting at Macie's funeral again. I know that it was a day to remember our pastor, but what the 1500 people sitting around us in service didn't realize is that the week of his death marked the beginning of our story.
Last March, Ryan and I were sitting in the church waiting for Pastor Fred's funeral to begin when he received the phone call from Canada asking him to pack his bags and come work for a month. We spent the next two weeks (still in shock over the events that occurred in our own church) getting his passport, filling out paper work, packing bags, and preparing to not have Ryan with us for 4 or 5 weeks. Little did we know that the day he flew away, was going to be the last day of Macie's life.
Yesterday, some friends at church could tell by the look on my face that I wasn't having a good day. A lot of people were asking if I was okay? Well, the answer to that question is NO. Yes, we are okay physically and spiritually, the kids are thriving, our marriage is great, and we still have fun as a family everyday. There isn't a day that goes by where we still don't laugh and appreciate our lives. We are functioning pretty well. We keep up with the kids activities, stay on tract with their school work, and maintain the house (I'll admit that it isn't as clean and organized as I would like..but I know that there are more important things in life). So then why is my answer no?
While we are doing as well as we can and healing, I'm still not okay with what happened, and I never will be. There is an empty seat at the table, an empty seat in the van, there is an empty bed every evening, there is an extra robe hanging on the girl's wall, I can no longer divide packages of juice boxes evenly, there are more boys than girls in the house, we attend one less gymnastics practice a week, we only attend one gymnastics meet during a weekend instead of two, and Kaylee no longer has a sister to grow up with. Another thing that really bothers me is when I take the kids grocery shopping or to Walmart. There is always someone in the checkout lane that says, "Wow, you have your hands full with three kids." I want to scream out and yell shut up! I have 4 kids and my hands are not full!!! They never were. I didn't mind taking my kids with me to the store. When Carter was a baby, I would put him on my chest, put the other three kids in a cart, and pile everything around them. It was a pretty funny site. Of course the kids are older now and they walk beside me, but I still only have 3 kids with me, and it is just too easy. None of these things are okay with me! I absolutely hate them.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Olympics
I'll admit it....I'm a big fan of Apolo Anton Ohno's, but I have not watched him skate yet. In fact, every time I see the Olympics on my television, I walk by and turn it off. I just can't stomach it right now, and I know that seems strange. Every time I hear the words, Winter Olympics, my mind flashes back to our little 2 bedroom house on Prickett Avenue. I see Jordan, almost 2 years old, playing on the floor, and I am holding a beautiful, brown eyed, brown hair, 6 month old little baby named Macie. She was the most adorable baby in the world with those huge eyes and spiky hair. I can still remember Ryan and I sitting on the couch, holding our daughter, and watching men's speed skating. The games are just another ugly reminder of how our life has changed.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Psalm 18:2
Ryan and I haven't been doing so well...The cold and dark days just add to the depression we feel. I think this month has been one of the hardest so far. The kids seem to be hurting a little more these days too. The idea of living with this hurt the rest of our lives is very daunting. There are so many days that I don't think I can do it. We have to put our trust in God, but it just really, really hard right now.
Ryan and I haven't been doing so well...The cold and dark days just add to the depression we feel. I think this month has been one of the hardest so far. The kids seem to be hurting a little more these days too. The idea of living with this hurt the rest of our lives is very daunting. There are so many days that I don't think I can do it. We have to put our trust in God, but it just really, really hard right now.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Going crazy....
Kaylee turned 7 this week (the age Macie was when she died), and I wasn't expecting it to bother me so much....but it did. I look at how young and small Kaylee is, and it's just not fair for a little girl that young to die. There is so much Macie didn't get to see, do, and experience, and I am having a really hard time dealing with that right now. Kaylee gets to celebrate another birthday, but Macie didn't....how is that fair??? I'm scared of loosing Kaylee too. There is just something about the age of 7 that is really freaking me out right now! Just pray for us.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)