Something you should know

Ok, it's been almost 2 years, but my sharp mind has yet to return. I was always such an organized person, and I rarely forgot anything (except for where my keys were). However, since the accident, I can't remember anything. I forget when I have made appointments, I forget to send emails or return phone calls, I forget why I walk into a room, I can't remember birthdays, and I actually have to look at my address book to remember someones address and phone number (I NEVER had to do that before). It's incredibly frustrating and even more frustrating when people get mad at me for it. Grief can do really weird things to the mind. Another grieving mother told me that post-traumatic stress can cause physical brain damage. This damage and the stress over a loss can wreak havoc on the memory. So please don't get offended or annoyed with me or Ryan if we forget to say or do something....it's not intentional.

Happy Thanksgiving

Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise:
be thankful unto him, and bless his name. Psalm 100:4

When you are grieving, it can be so hard to be thankful.

Every morning we wake up and make a choice to live life with gratitude.

As Don Piper said, "You can either get bitter or get better...it's up to you."

Things to be thankful for in 2010:

• The strength to endure another year
• The fact that good days are starting to out way the bad
• We haven't had any family funerals to attend this year
• The kids are healthy and free from any lasting emotional damage (that is a miracle in itself considering what they have gone through)
• Our new construction business is doing well
• We are surrounded by loving family and friends
• Life is starting to be lived with purpose again
• Most importantly-We are thankful for our Lord and Savior, Jesus, for the gift of eternal life. Without Him, we would not have hope or the promise of heaven one day.
• I am so thankful that we have built our lives on God's truths and His promises had become our foundation. That foundation prevented us from crumbling in such a difficult time.
  
  
  We were able to seak refuge in God instead of running from Him.
  The Bible warns us that in this life we will have trials and tribulations.
  It's not a matter of if we will have them but when.
  As a favorite song of mine goes: "We are all just one phone call from our knees."
  
  

Photos taken by Rebecca Schmidt (a mom from Carter's preschool).

She kindly offered her services and wanted to take our family's photos. 

Macie's new Christmas tree. 

We decorated it on Tuesday before the cold weather came in.

Disney World

Well, we finally made it to Disney World. Unfortunately, it was 2 years too late and missing one very special little girl.  We have wanted to take the kids for years, but we wanted to wait until they were a little older (and our pockets were a little fuller). The week before "the accident," we were making plans to go. Ryan told Macie that he would stay in Canada an extra week to earn enough money for the trip.  Little did we know what was awaiting us. 

After the accident, the thought of Disney World made me want to vomit. How could we ever go without Macie? It just wasn't fair. After the first year, we finally had enough strength to start planning the trip, and we didn't want the other kids to miss out.  It's a strange feeling to be filled with excitement and dread the same time. I was excited to get away and enjoy a vacation with the kids, but dreaded the constant ache that would accompany the loss.  I cried the entire evening that I packed our bags.  Macie would have been the most excited to go, and she never had the chance. I keep reminding myself that Heaven is better than Disney World, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I thought that the loss would be more painful when we arrived, but it wasn't. I've come to realize that it rarely changes. It's like the air I breathe. It surrounds me everywhere I go. I can't get away from it. It doesn't just creep in on holidays, or anniversaries, or on vacations. It's what I breathe in day, after day, after day.  

The kids and I wanted to fly (this was their first time on a plane), but Ryan was apprehensive. He caved in, and did better than I expected.  The only time Ryan has been on a plane was the day he left for Canada. He was standing in the Edmonton airport when he found out about Macie. He spent about 15 hours trying to get home without anyone by his side. He was all alone, in another country, trying to get back to his family. All he knew was that Jordan was airlifted, and Macie didn't make it. He didn't even know that Jordan was OK until he arrived  in St. Louis.  I still can't imagine how he felt...so desperate and helpless. 

We went to Disney's Animal Kingdom first. As we were walking up to the first ride, a plane was writing in the sky. It was spelling U + God =. We didn't see the final product, but it was enough to remind us that Macie is with God. We spent 5 days at Disney and on the 6th day we went to the Holy Land Experience in Orlando. It was beautiful and relaxing, and the kids really enjoyed it. We took the Lord's supper while we were there, and it made quite and impact on Carter. He's been asking questions, and he wants to get baptized.

We made sure to bring back a Minnie Mouse doll for Macie's bed. She really liked Minnie.  I used to find drawings of Minnie and Mickey around the house, and she would write about them in her journal. Oh, how I wish things were different.....

Downtown Disney outside of the Lego store



Animal Kingdom



A plane was making this in the sky when we arrived at Disney's Animal Kingdom.



Smiling in their new Mickey shirts




The entrance to Holy Land Experience



In the empty tomb replica



Macie's Minnie Mouse doll



A journal entry of Macie's





Macie's sketch of Mickey, Minnie, and Pluto



Macie's Corner

African Vision of Hope has decided to use the funds we raised to designate an area of their Hope Library and call it "Macie's Corner." This library is at one of their schools in Kabulonga, and it's the only library they have ever seen in Zambia. Isn't it cool that Macie's memory can live on, even on the other side of the world? Hopefully, we will be able to see this library in person one day and to meet the children that this wonderful organization is helping.

Under Macie's name is James 1:27. The Scripture says:
Pure and undefiled religion before God the Father is this: To care for orphans and widows in their misfortune and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

Golf Tournament

We want to say "thank you" to everyone who attended the 2nd Annual Macie Memorial Golf Tournament and to everyone who brought desserts and auction items. The weather was beautiful, the food was great, and the time with family and friends was a blessing. All the money raised went directly to African Vision of Hope www.africanvisionofhope.org. We felt this would be a good way to honor Macie. She had such a heart for these children, and my other kids do too. Jordan is already asking when he can be Missionary so he can go to Zambia and help the children. Judi Bertels presented us with a beautiful quilt that has the precious hand prints of the children from one of their schools. My children think this is the greatest treasure. Not only do we have an item from Africa, they have a visible reminder of the children we can help.

2^nd Annual Macie Crow

Memorial Golf Tournament

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Oakbrook Golf  Club

9157 Fruit Rd, Edwardsville, IL 62025

(618) 656-5600

FOUR MAN SCRAMBLE

8:00 AM SHOTGUN START

(Registration starts @ 7:00 am)

$70 per golfer or $280 per team

(all proceeds will be given to African Vision of Hope)

www.africanvisionofhope.org

Food and soft drinks provided !

Door prizes ! Skins Game ! Longest Drive ! Closest to the hole and much, much more !

Contacts : Ryan Crow (618) 447-8662

Steven Crow (618) 795-1966

Why?

There is another couple from our church who is burying their child this week. I had no words of wisdom or comfort for them...all I can say to myself is WHY? I know God is sovereign and works all things for good for those that love Him, but why can't He give His children some answers when they need them? I remember how small Macie's casket was, but this casket was so much smaller. I looked at it and thanked God that I was able to watch Macie grow, at least for a while. Why do these parents have to bury their son, yet there are babies born to drug addicts that survive? Why do people struggle with infertility, yet over 4,000 babies a day are aborted. Why did my daughter die when we were always so protective. For crying out loud, I didn't even let my kids eat foods with high-fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, or sodium nitrites. I always knew where they were. They weren't allowed to ride their bikes around the neighborhood, or walk home from the bus stop (which I only allowed Jordan to ride home once a week). So why did my daughter die when there are so many parents that could care less where their kids are??? My daughter was killed playing in her back yard with her brother. Where's the justice in that? What did these parents do to deserve their heartache? Whenever I get on this rampage, I feel a strong conviction and realize that nothing in life is fair.

Is it fair that I have a happy marriage, while our friends are getting divorced? Why was I able to conceive 4 healthy children without ever trying, yet my sister-in-law can't conceive one? Why do we have loving families around us to help us through our grief, yet there are orphans without a home? Why do we always have plenty to eat when much of the world goes hungry? Absolutely nothing in this life is fair. It's also not fair that Jesus had to die for our sins, but he did. One day our questions will be answered, but until then, I believe God can handle our "whys."