The weekend

What a strange weekend. We celebrated Jordan's 10th birthday, and the YMCA held the 1st annual Macie Crow Memorial Invitational Meet....talk about emotionally exhausting!

Jordan's 9th birthday was the last time we had Macie at a family celebration. She passed away a week after Jordan's birthday party last year. Being lost in our grief, we sometimes forget about the miracle we have in front of us-Jordan. He could have easily been killed with her that day. He was trapped for 2 hours by a thousand pound slab of concrete. How did he survive with very minimal injuries??? Only God could do that! But then we question why the same God didn't do the same for Macie. There are so many questions that will never be answered on this side of eternity.

We are so blessed and thankful that the YMCA is keeping Macie's memory alive. Her memory dying would be equally painful, so thank you to all of you that remind us that you still think of Macie. Kaylee competed in the memorial meet, which was difficult for us. No little girl should have to compete in a gymnastics meet that is named after her deceased older sister. She is such a brave little girl. She has to attend practice without her sister by her side and compete without her here to cheer her on. At the end of the award ceremony, Kaylee was acknowledged, and we presented her with a World's Bravest Gymnast Award and some bouquets of flowers. I will post some pictures in a couple days.

Please keep praying for us as we approach the anniversary of Macie's death.

You can see pictures of my birthday boy on the Crow's Nest (the link on the left of this page). I will also put some of Kaylee's meet pictures there as well.

It's March

Well, it's finally March. This used to be one of my favorite times of the year. My crocuses are blooming, my daffodils, tulips, and lilies are emerging. The weather is warming, and the kids are spending a lot of time outside. March is the month of our wedding anniversary (11 years this past Saturday) and our firstborn's birthday (Jordan will be 10 this year...I just can't believe it). But now, March has become a very ugly month for us. It now marks tragedy and sadness.

Yesterday, our church held a service to remember and reflect on the events that took Pastor Fred's life on March 8, 2009. I wasn't prepared to feel as heartbroken as I did. In fact, my knees buckled several times, and the waves of helplessness rushed through, and I felt as if I were sitting at Macie's funeral again. I know that it was a day to remember our pastor, but what the 1500 people sitting around us in service didn't realize is that the week of his death marked the beginning of our story.

Last March, Ryan and I were sitting in the church waiting for Pastor Fred's funeral to begin when he received the phone call from Canada asking him to pack his bags and come work for a month. We spent the next two weeks (still in shock over the events that occurred in our own church) getting his passport, filling out paper work, packing bags, and preparing to not have Ryan with us for 4 or 5 weeks. Little did we know that the day he flew away, was going to be the last day of Macie's life.

Yesterday, some friends at church could tell by the look on my face that I wasn't having a good day. A lot of people were asking if I was okay? Well, the answer to that question is NO. Yes, we are okay physically and spiritually, the kids are thriving, our marriage is great, and we still have fun as a family everyday. There isn't a day that goes by where we still don't laugh and appreciate our lives. We are functioning pretty well. We keep up with the kids activities, stay on tract with their school work, and maintain the house (I'll admit that it isn't as clean and organized as I would like..but I know that there are more important things in life). So then why is my answer no?

While we are doing as well as we can and healing, I'm still not okay with what happened, and I never will be. There is an empty seat at the table, an empty seat in the van, there is an empty bed every evening, there is an extra robe hanging on the girl's wall, I can no longer divide packages of juice boxes evenly, there are more boys than girls in the house, we attend one less gymnastics practice a week, we only attend one gymnastics meet during a weekend instead of two, and Kaylee no longer has a sister to grow up with. Another thing that really bothers me is when I take the kids grocery shopping or to Walmart. There is always someone in the checkout lane that says, "Wow, you have your hands full with three kids." I want to scream out and yell shut up! I have 4 kids and my hands are not full!!! They never were. I didn't mind taking my kids with me to the store. When Carter was a baby, I would put him on my chest, put the other three kids in a cart, and pile everything around them. It was a pretty funny site. Of course the kids are older now and they walk beside me, but I still only have 3 kids with me, and it is just too easy. None of these things are okay with me! I absolutely hate them.

Olympics

I'll admit it....I'm a big fan of Apolo Anton Ohno's, but I have not watched him skate yet. In fact, every time I see the Olympics on my television, I walk by and turn it off. I just can't stomach it right now, and I know that seems strange. Every time I hear the words, Winter Olympics, my mind flashes back to our little 2 bedroom house on Prickett Avenue. I see Jordan, almost 2 years old, playing on the floor, and I am holding a beautiful, brown eyed, brown hair, 6 month old little baby named Macie. She was the most adorable baby in the world with those huge eyes and spiky hair. I can still remember Ryan and I sitting on the couch, holding our daughter, and watching men's speed skating. The games are just another ugly reminder of how our life has changed.

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Psalm 18:2


Ryan and I haven't been doing so well...The cold and dark days just add to the depression we feel. I think this month has been one of the hardest so far. The kids seem to be hurting a little more these days too. The idea of living with this hurt the rest of our lives is very daunting. There are so many days that I don't think I can do it. We have to put our trust in God, but it just really, really hard right now.

Going crazy....

Kaylee turned 7 this week (the age Macie was when she died), and I wasn't expecting it to bother me so much....but it did. I look at how young and small Kaylee is, and it's just not fair for a little girl that young to die. There is so much Macie didn't get to see, do, and experience, and I am having a really hard time dealing with that right now. Kaylee gets to celebrate another birthday, but Macie didn't....how is that fair??? I'm scared of loosing Kaylee too. There is just something about the age of 7 that is really freaking me out right now! Just pray for us.....

Jesus Loves Me This I Know...

OK, let's face it. When you lose a child, you don't feel loved by God. You feel like a terrible parent who's being punished by Him. You can't understand why the death happened and why God didn't prevent it. Fortunately, we know that God is good and He doesn't make mistakes, He even sends little reminders that He has Macie in His care, and He does love us.

I want to share a little God moment I had before Christmas....

It was a week before Christmas, and I was wrapping gifts and organizing them in nice little piles to ensure that each child had the same amount of presents. I looked down and realized I only had 3 piles, and my heart just shattered. I wanted to go out and purchase gifts for Macie, but I knew it wouldn't fix the hurt or fill the void, so I rejected the idea and continued to wrap.

That moment continued to haunt me, and they pain intensified as my birthday approached (my birthday is 6 days before Christmas). I was surprised by how heart sick I was on my birthday. Macie loved to make little gifts, cards, and books, and I didn't receive any from her this year. She didn't help make me a cake, she didn't sing happy birthday, and she didn't harass me about being older than Ryan. It just wasn't the same without her.

I was sitting on the couch having a pity party for myself, and I asked Ryan to get the mail. He brought in a package addressed to me. I opened it up, and inside were two shirts with the most beautiful scriptures on them... and they fit! I thought to myself, what a cool birthday gift, and I immediately felt the love of God and my mood lightened.

What I didn't tell you is that they are from a woman on the other side of the country. She found my blog and prays for us daily. She has sent cards or gifts before, and they are always at the most incredible times. She has no idea what size I am or when my birthday is. I have her e-mail address, so I sent a quick note telling her thank you and explaining how they arrived on my birthday. She sent the following reply, and it just shows how creative and loving God is.

Amanda,

Well...all I can say is...thank You Lord. I initially placed the shirt orders in November (that in itself took me a bit because I kept second guessing sizes). Before they mailed them, they called me and questioned the sizes. Long story short, they were cut differently, so I ordered what they recommended and, lo and behold, I was right and they were wrong. They were very apologetic and shipped the correct ones free and all. Then we were away for a week. When I got home they were waiting with eeeeeeeevvvvvvverything else at the post office. I'm telling you all of this because I'm amazed again at God's timing...and great love. HE knew it was your birthday; I did not. So...He orchestrated the supposed mistakes just so you'd get them at HIS right time :) As far as the shirts I picked, I remember you mentioning about the Psalm. Can't remember if I told you this already, but that shirt was released right at the time of that particular blog post. The Peace one was shortly thereafter.

Why a casket for a small child???

Someone e-mailed me a very fitting devotion the other day, and this link was on the page. It sums up all that I feel and want to be able to say. You can click here to read it.
http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2009/12/caskets-should-never-be-made-child.html

Thank you Erin....