"Mom, we're hurt!" Those are the last words I heard in my old life. It's amazing how 3 words can trigger such strong physiological responses. The panic sets in, adrenaline starts pumping, your heart races, and a million thoughts and images go through your mind. Before I reached Jordan and Macie, I was picturing them stuck in the mud with broken bones, and that would have been bad enough. I wasn't prepared for the real image that would enter my mind. As I reached the top of the hill, my world went still, and everything in that instant changed. I can remember standing momentarily in disbelief, trying to convince myself that what I was seeing was not real. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Instead, my life was catapulted into instant chaos, unbearable decision making, funeral arrangements, regret, and constant agonizing grief.

I watched our story on Fox 2 news (http://www.fox2now.com/videobeta/watch/?watch=430df144-5b5a-4d0c-ab22-4db063a12213&src=front), but I still wasn't prepared to see and hear Macie saying, "Merry Christmas Mommy!" Those are words that I can never hear her say again. I have walked through the last couple of weeks feeling somewhat human again, but in reality, I was just acclimated to the new emotions, and had learned how to function with them. Little by little, new emotions and the realization of the loss become exposed. I believe that God has designed us in such a way that our body only allows bits and pieces of the reality to creep in one at a time. If everything you experience as a grieving parent were to hit you all at once, the body would completely shut down and die. With the holidays approaching, I can feel new layers of the grief being exposed. I dread the next 2 months, but I know with enough prayer and faith, I will survive. I miss my old life so much, but there is an even better life in heaven waiting for me, and that life includes Macie forever!

My flesh and my heart fail me: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26