Jesus Loves Me This I Know...

OK, let's face it. When you lose a child, you don't feel loved by God. You feel like a terrible parent who's being punished by Him. You can't understand why the death happened and why God didn't prevent it. Fortunately, we know that God is good and He doesn't make mistakes, He even sends little reminders that He has Macie in His care, and He does love us.

I want to share a little God moment I had before Christmas....

It was a week before Christmas, and I was wrapping gifts and organizing them in nice little piles to ensure that each child had the same amount of presents. I looked down and realized I only had 3 piles, and my heart just shattered. I wanted to go out and purchase gifts for Macie, but I knew it wouldn't fix the hurt or fill the void, so I rejected the idea and continued to wrap.

That moment continued to haunt me, and they pain intensified as my birthday approached (my birthday is 6 days before Christmas). I was surprised by how heart sick I was on my birthday. Macie loved to make little gifts, cards, and books, and I didn't receive any from her this year. She didn't help make me a cake, she didn't sing happy birthday, and she didn't harass me about being older than Ryan. It just wasn't the same without her.

I was sitting on the couch having a pity party for myself, and I asked Ryan to get the mail. He brought in a package addressed to me. I opened it up, and inside were two shirts with the most beautiful scriptures on them... and they fit! I thought to myself, what a cool birthday gift, and I immediately felt the love of God and my mood lightened.

What I didn't tell you is that they are from a woman on the other side of the country. She found my blog and prays for us daily. She has sent cards or gifts before, and they are always at the most incredible times. She has no idea what size I am or when my birthday is. I have her e-mail address, so I sent a quick note telling her thank you and explaining how they arrived on my birthday. She sent the following reply, and it just shows how creative and loving God is.

Amanda,

Well...all I can say is...thank You Lord. I initially placed the shirt orders in November (that in itself took me a bit because I kept second guessing sizes). Before they mailed them, they called me and questioned the sizes. Long story short, they were cut differently, so I ordered what they recommended and, lo and behold, I was right and they were wrong. They were very apologetic and shipped the correct ones free and all. Then we were away for a week. When I got home they were waiting with eeeeeeeevvvvvvverything else at the post office. I'm telling you all of this because I'm amazed again at God's timing...and great love. HE knew it was your birthday; I did not. So...He orchestrated the supposed mistakes just so you'd get them at HIS right time :) As far as the shirts I picked, I remember you mentioning about the Psalm. Can't remember if I told you this already, but that shirt was released right at the time of that particular blog post. The Peace one was shortly thereafter.

Why a casket for a small child???

Someone e-mailed me a very fitting devotion the other day, and this link was on the page. It sums up all that I feel and want to be able to say. You can click here to read it.
http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2009/12/caskets-should-never-be-made-child.html

Thank you Erin....

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Thanksgiving

To say the least, Thanksgiving was very difficult. Before dinner, we went to the cemetery and decorated a tree for Macie. We put the tree out there not just for us, but for anyone that would like to bring Macie an ornament for Christmas. Even though Thanksgiving was difficult, I am still thankful. I am thankful for my family, my wonderful husband, my healthy children, and my salvation that will allow me to spend eternity with Macie.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

Sorry again

I thought I would send a quick apology again. I had an overwhelming amount of messages and e-mails after our interview, and I have not had a chance to respond to all of them yet. Thank you for all your kind words, prayers, and encouragement. We appreciate all your support-even if we can't find the time and energy to respond to everyone!!!

The Crow's Nest

I find myself having a hard time posting things about the other kids here. I want this to be a page about Macie and our journey through grief. I started a new page for those of you that want to see what the other 3 are up to. It's also away to keep a record of our daily life. We feel like we are navigating our way through a black cloud and I'm afraid I will forget that I actually did live a life. I'm hoping it will become a page for us and the kids to look at and remember what we did. The link is to the left of this page. It is titled The Crow's Nest.

"Mom, we're hurt!" Those are the last words I heard in my old life. It's amazing how 3 words can trigger such strong physiological responses. The panic sets in, adrenaline starts pumping, your heart races, and a million thoughts and images go through your mind. Before I reached Jordan and Macie, I was picturing them stuck in the mud with broken bones, and that would have been bad enough. I wasn't prepared for the real image that would enter my mind. As I reached the top of the hill, my world went still, and everything in that instant changed. I can remember standing momentarily in disbelief, trying to convince myself that what I was seeing was not real. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Instead, my life was catapulted into instant chaos, unbearable decision making, funeral arrangements, regret, and constant agonizing grief.

I watched our story on Fox 2 news (http://www.fox2now.com/videobeta/watch/?watch=430df144-5b5a-4d0c-ab22-4db063a12213&src=front), but I still wasn't prepared to see and hear Macie saying, "Merry Christmas Mommy!" Those are words that I can never hear her say again. I have walked through the last couple of weeks feeling somewhat human again, but in reality, I was just acclimated to the new emotions, and had learned how to function with them. Little by little, new emotions and the realization of the loss become exposed. I believe that God has designed us in such a way that our body only allows bits and pieces of the reality to creep in one at a time. If everything you experience as a grieving parent were to hit you all at once, the body would completely shut down and die. With the holidays approaching, I can feel new layers of the grief being exposed. I dread the next 2 months, but I know with enough prayer and faith, I will survive. I miss my old life so much, but there is an even better life in heaven waiting for me, and that life includes Macie forever!

My flesh and my heart fail me: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26