Have you ever taken something away from a child, and they didn't understand why? They usually sit in the corner, arms crossed, refusing to speak to you. They still love you, they still know you are there for them, but they just don't want to look at you or speak to you. That's how I feel right now.
I feel like a little child who's angry at her father... heavenly Father that is. I don't want to be, but I don't understand why I can't have my daughter. My prayer life has really been in the dumps lately. I know God loves me. I know God wants what is best for me. I know God is in control. I still love Him and trust Him. However, I miss my daughter so much that I feel like crossing my arms and ignoring Him. I don't feel this way all the time, but the winter months and holidays are taking a toll on me.
I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas okay. However, December 26th hit me like a ton of bricks. I woke up and did nothing but cry. New Year's eve wasn't much better either. Then, to top it all off, Kaylee turned 8 on January 14th. How can Kaylee be older than Macie? Kaylee is the little sister, and now she is 8!?! Macie was only 7 when she died. I just look at her and wonder what Macie would look like? How tall would she be? How would she act? Would she still be a gymnast? Would she enjoy being homeschooled? These questions haunt me all the time.
Yesterday, we awoke to a foot of snow. I told the kids we haven't had this much snow since I was 5....and I don't even remember it. So this was a new experience for me too. Yet, it was just another reminder of something Macie didn't experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know I should listen to my past words about heaven being so much better than anything here on earth, but I just need a few days to have a pity-party for myself. Whenever I am doing well, I feel guilty. It's like we didn't love her enough or something (which is not true). It's hard to explain and confusing. I want to feel better, but when I do, I feel worse. I told you...it doesn't make any sense.
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| This is actually taken from an earlier snow. It was just too cute not to share. |
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| We measured 11 inches....yeah, I know what our Michigan family is thinking, but it is a big deal to us :) |
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| The snow was so deep; the dog had to hop like a rabbit. |
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| Christmas Day |