Sorry again

I thought I would send a quick apology again. I had an overwhelming amount of messages and e-mails after our interview, and I have not had a chance to respond to all of them yet. Thank you for all your kind words, prayers, and encouragement. We appreciate all your support-even if we can't find the time and energy to respond to everyone!!!

The Crow's Nest

I find myself having a hard time posting things about the other kids here. I want this to be a page about Macie and our journey through grief. I started a new page for those of you that want to see what the other 3 are up to. It's also away to keep a record of our daily life. We feel like we are navigating our way through a black cloud and I'm afraid I will forget that I actually did live a life. I'm hoping it will become a page for us and the kids to look at and remember what we did. The link is to the left of this page. It is titled The Crow's Nest.

"Mom, we're hurt!" Those are the last words I heard in my old life. It's amazing how 3 words can trigger such strong physiological responses. The panic sets in, adrenaline starts pumping, your heart races, and a million thoughts and images go through your mind. Before I reached Jordan and Macie, I was picturing them stuck in the mud with broken bones, and that would have been bad enough. I wasn't prepared for the real image that would enter my mind. As I reached the top of the hill, my world went still, and everything in that instant changed. I can remember standing momentarily in disbelief, trying to convince myself that what I was seeing was not real. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Instead, my life was catapulted into instant chaos, unbearable decision making, funeral arrangements, regret, and constant agonizing grief.

I watched our story on Fox 2 news (http://www.fox2now.com/videobeta/watch/?watch=430df144-5b5a-4d0c-ab22-4db063a12213&src=front), but I still wasn't prepared to see and hear Macie saying, "Merry Christmas Mommy!" Those are words that I can never hear her say again. I have walked through the last couple of weeks feeling somewhat human again, but in reality, I was just acclimated to the new emotions, and had learned how to function with them. Little by little, new emotions and the realization of the loss become exposed. I believe that God has designed us in such a way that our body only allows bits and pieces of the reality to creep in one at a time. If everything you experience as a grieving parent were to hit you all at once, the body would completely shut down and die. With the holidays approaching, I can feel new layers of the grief being exposed. I dread the next 2 months, but I know with enough prayer and faith, I will survive. I miss my old life so much, but there is an even better life in heaven waiting for me, and that life includes Macie forever!

My flesh and my heart fail me: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Psalm 13

I have found myself reading the book of psalms lately, and there is one psalm that constantly speaks to me.

Psalm 13
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and
every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say,"I have overcome him;
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

It is comforting to know that even people of great faith, like David, struggled too. I know that God is in control and HE does not make mistakes, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I'm constantly crying "WHY?" and "HELP!" I'm praying for the day when all questions will be answered, and there will be no more mourning, weeping, and death. I KNOW that there will be a day with no more tears, but I just want it to be yesterday.