Macie's birthday (the entire month really) was very difficult. I can't even begin to describe how it feels to wake up knowing it is your daughter's birthday, but she isn't there. It is absolutely horrible and heart wrenching. As her mother, I really wanted to honor her, so we held a celebration of her life at the cemetery. I didn't get a count of people, but it was estimated that at least 75 people, maybe more, came out to remember Macie. It was heartwarming to see how many people still think of her and our family. We asked everyone to bring a helium balloon with a special message to Macie on it. We had prayer, sang "Happy Birthday," and released dozens of balloons (my apologies to all the environmentalists out there). My balloon and Ryan's got stuck in a nearby tree and they are still there. You can see them every time we visit. I guess some of them were just meant to be left behind. We then released 8 doves to symbolize her 8th birthday. God even sent us a rainbow called a sun halo. It kept peaking through the clouds, although I don't think everyone noticed it. I know it is God promising us that everything will be fine, and that she is safe in his arms. The day was both horrible and beautiful at the same time.
The week after her birthday, brought yet another mess of emotions. I had to finally get myself organized and prepared to return back to work. The thought of leaving the kids was enough to make me ill. I was dreading the idea of standing in front of 90 students and explaining what I am going through. I just didn't think I would be focused and prepared enough to start teaching again. Fortunately, I was wrong. I made it through my first week of classes and it actually brought a much needed distraction (although the thoughts and images never leave my mind). However, I did break down while driving home after my first evening class. I realized that the last time I was in a classroom, was the day she died, and images of finding her kept flashing in my mind. I'm prepared for this to happen occasionally, but I'm relieved to know that I am able to communicate with my students and focus on my work in the midst of all the emotions. I guess its just another form of multi-tasking-something I've always been good at. God gives you the strength you need, when you need it!
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