Father's Day

I think another layer of numbness has been lifted. My emotions are all over the place. I keep flashing back to that awful day, and my knees buckle and my world goes black momentarily. I keep thinking that maybe I'm insane, and that this isn't actually real. It will be 3 months, Saturday, and I still can't believe this has really happened. Everyone says that time will heal, but as time goes by, the pain of missing her increases. I need to tell myself, over and over and over again, that every new day, is one day closer to seeing her again.
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Sunday was father's day, and we made it through another holiday. We had additional reasons to celebrate. Kaylee, my sister, my parents, and in-laws were all baptized that day!!! It was hard not having Macie to celebrate with us. However, our spirits were lifted, when we saw my father and father-in-law, walk out of the dressing room with robes on that were entirely too short! We were all laughing at them and had to find longer robes! I thought about posting the picture (with the robes above their knees), but I think we have tortured them enough. I did include the pictures of the rest of the family. It turned out to be a good day.

We have officially transitioned into summer. I have successfully taken the kids swimming, we went to a carnival, we have caught lightening bugs, and went fishing. I have dreaded doing all of these things without my daughter, but I know that I still need to give my other children a fun life. It would be easy to lock myself in my room and sleep all the time, but that wouldn't benefit anyone. We will be going to Michigan next week for the 4th of July- I'm thinking that it will be good to get away for awhile.

Thanking God

Today, had been a very difficult day, emotionally, and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I have been agonizing for the last couple of days about all the time I didn't get to spend with Macie and all the times that I was short tempered with her. I've been feeling really guilty about ever yelling at her or ignoring her. I keep thinking about the bad times rather than the all the great ones we had. I drove home from visiting a friend in Highland today with tears streaming down my face. I passed a drivers ed car and started thinking about how Macie will never drive a car, get married, or have kids. I started praying that God would give me some comfort and show me that it really is OK.
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A few hours later, I received a phone call from a woman that I have never met. She told me that she felt compelled to bring me something and asked if it would be OK for her to stop by. Of course I said, "yes" and gave her my address. She dropped off some beautiful flowers and a letter. The letter was amazing and completely changed my attitude. I asked permission to post her letter, but I am leaving the name off. It is amazing how quickly God answered my prayer today. Here is a copy of what she wrote:
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First of all, I am sorry for your great loss. I saw a picture of Macie in the newspaper. I am certain that her smile lit up your world. She seemed to be so full of joy. As I looked at her eyes, I did not see any hidden pain, just a carefree happiness. I feel compelled by the Holy Spirit to tell you that this little girl, your daughter, lived with such a vivacious anointing of life, until she literally touched everyone she came into contact with. She fulfilled the purpose and glory that God created her for.
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There is a special bond between a mother and her children. The love is so deep, it is almost indescribable. But, yet, there is Jesus, who loves her beyond human comprehension. After all, He is the one who sent that little bundle of joy into your life, your family, and many others. Some may be of the opinion that she had not yet begun to live. But live, indeed, she did. She lived each day as if there was no tomorrow; full of laughter, love, and life. She is a wonderful example of how Christ desires each of His children to live until we are called home. Her heavenly Father saw fit to spare her the heartaches that sometimes attend life. You and your family have been divinely blessed to have loved, nurtured, and shared with someone as special and unique as Macie.
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Let there be no regrets. You have done everything that Christ desired of you to do as a mother to Macie. You loved her wholeheartedly. How complete is that? That is why she was so happy; because she knew that she was loved completely by you and your family. I hope knowing this will bring you some comfort in these difficult times. I pray that Christ will heal you and your family's unbelievable pain. Please know that God is in control and He does not make mistakes.
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Is that not incredible? Who am I, that God would bless me like that through a complete stranger? I am very humbled by this, and my faith has been strengthened through this encounter. The bible says that God will never leave us or forsake us! I know that there are some of you that read this blog that do not have faith or understand. I also know that you probably think all this Holy Spirit and Jesus "talk" just seems crazy or weird. Don't worry, it doesn't offend me. Ryan and I used to think that "church people" were nuts. We just didn't understand how someone was "saved" or "born again" until it happened to us. It is my most sincere prayer, that everyone that reads these words will understand that personal relationship with Jesus, that Ryan and I now have. Of course, many of you know, that we didn't always have that faith or live like it. We promise, that it was the most important and gratifying decision we have ever made! There is a book called, The Case for Faith, by Lee Stobel; I believe everyone should read it if they are wondering if all this "faith stuff" is real. Trust us, it is real! We feel it everyday, and it is helping us survive the most devastating storm we could ever face.

Bittersweet

Wednesday, May 27th marked the two month anniversary of Macie's departure to live in heaven. We decided to hold the dedication for her that day, since Memorial day looked like Noah's flood. Unfortunately, during dinner, it started to rain again. Our family and friends came anyway, so we lit candles, said a prayer, and released balloons to heaven as we all stood in the rain-if only that rain could wash away the sadness.
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On Friday, May 29th, some friends from church performed a benefit concert to celebrate Macie's life. The band was phenomenal and they did a beautiful job of honoring our daughter. I wish I had a couple of pictures, but I didn't think to take my camera. It was a wonderful evening with all our loved ones. We can't thank the band enough! (sorry-still leaving names out for privacy). Some of the proceeds were put aside to start the foundation we are planning in Macie's name.





The last couple of weeks have been very difficult. Ryan is working midnights and we have spent very little time with him. When he is gone, I have the house on lock-down and all the kids sleep with me. I have actually preferred this sleeping arrangement the last two months. For any of you that know me, this out of the ordinary. Our children always knew when bedtime was, and they were in their own beds without any protest (of course there was always the "5:00am sneak into the bedroom"-but that was OK as long as they went to bed like big kids and gave mommy and daddy some much needed time alone). But now everything has changed! Carter will still go to bed just fine, but Kaylee and Jordan are having a much harder time falling asleep. I just don't have the heart to make them go to their bedrooms alone. I know how bad my mind wanders when I'm alone, and I don't want them to go through the loneliness and fear that is felt when all is quite.
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Ryan has been suffering from anxiety in the middle of the night, especially when he is driving home as the sun comes up. The finality of the loss has settled in, and it occasionally comes and hits you so hard that it takes your breath away-literally! We just can't believe that she is gone. We can't smell her, feel her, hear her (you could always hear Macie-she was SO loud), or hold her ever again in this life. My arms just feel so empty.
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Wednesday would have been the last day of school. This is always our favorite day! I am always just as excited as the kids about the end of the school year-no more rushing around in the mornings and being away from each other. But yesterday didn't feel that way. Instead, I am hit with the realization that I need to go through the summer without Macie. She won't be in the pool, or at Six Flags, or helping me in the garden, or sleeping in, or even celebrating her birthday. It just plain sucks!!!!! I unpacked the kids swimsuits and just held and stared at hers for a long time. She absolutely loved swimming, and it just isn't fair that she won't be here with us. I took Kaylee to school on Tuesday for their yearly Ocean Olympics. When Kaylee's class went to the large inflatable water slides, Macie's class was there too. Out of around 20 classes, Macie's class just had to be the one sharing the slides with Kaylee's class. The girls would have been so excited to slide together, but of course that wasn't the case. I had to watch all of her friends having fun without her. It was a very hard moment.
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Now that summer has approached, Kaylee has moved up to level 3 team gymnastics at the YMCA. She now practices with the other team girls, and she is supposed to be practicing with her sister. I am proud of Kaylee and enjoy watching her, but Macie should be there too. The two of them should be bouncing around the gym floor and laughing. I look out and see Macie's teammates just feet away from Kaylee, and it breaks my heart. I'm glad that Kaylee is into gymnastics like her sister, but it is bittersweet.