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Hello and welcome to my blog! My name is Amanda Crow. I am a mother of four amazing children: three who are here with me on earth, and one who is awaiting our reunion in heaven. I am a homeschooling mom who embraces the life God has given me.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Bittersweet

Wednesday, May 27th marked the two month anniversary of Macie's departure to live in heaven. We decided to hold the dedication for her that day, since Memorial day looked like Noah's flood. Unfortunately, during dinner, it started to rain again. Our family and friends came anyway, so we lit candles, said a prayer, and released balloons to heaven as we all stood in the rain-if only that rain could wash away the sadness.
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On Friday, May 29th, some friends from church performed a benefit concert to celebrate Macie's life. The band was phenomenal and they did a beautiful job of honoring our daughter. I wish I had a couple of pictures, but I didn't think to take my camera. It was a wonderful evening with all our loved ones. We can't thank the band enough! (sorry-still leaving names out for privacy). Some of the proceeds were put aside to start the foundation we are planning in Macie's name.





The last couple of weeks have been very difficult. Ryan is working midnights and we have spent very little time with him. When he is gone, I have the house on lock-down and all the kids sleep with me. I have actually preferred this sleeping arrangement the last two months. For any of you that know me, this out of the ordinary. Our children always knew when bedtime was, and they were in their own beds without any protest (of course there was always the "5:00am sneak into the bedroom"-but that was OK as long as they went to bed like big kids and gave mommy and daddy some much needed time alone). But now everything has changed! Carter will still go to bed just fine, but Kaylee and Jordan are having a much harder time falling asleep. I just don't have the heart to make them go to their bedrooms alone. I know how bad my mind wanders when I'm alone, and I don't want them to go through the loneliness and fear that is felt when all is quite.
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Ryan has been suffering from anxiety in the middle of the night, especially when he is driving home as the sun comes up. The finality of the loss has settled in, and it occasionally comes and hits you so hard that it takes your breath away-literally! We just can't believe that she is gone. We can't smell her, feel her, hear her (you could always hear Macie-she was SO loud), or hold her ever again in this life. My arms just feel so empty.
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Wednesday would have been the last day of school. This is always our favorite day! I am always just as excited as the kids about the end of the school year-no more rushing around in the mornings and being away from each other. But yesterday didn't feel that way. Instead, I am hit with the realization that I need to go through the summer without Macie. She won't be in the pool, or at Six Flags, or helping me in the garden, or sleeping in, or even celebrating her birthday. It just plain sucks!!!!! I unpacked the kids swimsuits and just held and stared at hers for a long time. She absolutely loved swimming, and it just isn't fair that she won't be here with us. I took Kaylee to school on Tuesday for their yearly Ocean Olympics. When Kaylee's class went to the large inflatable water slides, Macie's class was there too. Out of around 20 classes, Macie's class just had to be the one sharing the slides with Kaylee's class. The girls would have been so excited to slide together, but of course that wasn't the case. I had to watch all of her friends having fun without her. It was a very hard moment.
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Now that summer has approached, Kaylee has moved up to level 3 team gymnastics at the YMCA. She now practices with the other team girls, and she is supposed to be practicing with her sister. I am proud of Kaylee and enjoy watching her, but Macie should be there too. The two of them should be bouncing around the gym floor and laughing. I look out and see Macie's teammates just feet away from Kaylee, and it breaks my heart. I'm glad that Kaylee is into gymnastics like her sister, but it is bittersweet.

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