Today is September 27, and it has been 6 months since Macie went to heaven. There are days that I still don't comprehend that this really has happened. Sometimes, I think I will wake up one day and realize that I was mentally insane, and it wasn't for real. There are so many emotions that come and go on days like these, but the only emotion that I can really explain is that I am tired!
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I'm tired of this new life. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling nauseous. I'm tired of feeling scared. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of waking up to this reality everyday. I'm tired of visiting a cemetery for days that should be celebrations. I'm tired of replaying the accident. I'm tired of the aching arms. I'm tired of my dirty house. I'm tired of not being focused. I'm tired of thinking the kids are hurt or worse anytime they yell mom. I'm tired of my to-do list. I'm tired of not knowing what a marriage should feel like anymore. I'm tired of comforting others and telling them that it will be OK when all I want to do is scream! I'm tired of people that flinch when I speak my daughter's name. I'm tired of seeing other mothers getting annoyed with their children when I'm out shopping. I'm tired of other people that are able to move on with their life. I'm tired of people thinking that the accident was more than a year ago. I'm tired of other people that just don't or can't understand. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I feel decent one day. I'm tired of Jordan, Kaylee, and Carter's hearts hurting and not being able to make it better. I'm tired of asking why? I'm tired of wondering why me? I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of realizing that I need to do this for the rest of my life!
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Thankfully, we have a LORD that says-come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
About Me
- Crow
- Hello and welcome to my blog! My name is Amanda Crow. I am a mother of four amazing children: three who are here with me on earth, and one who is awaiting our reunion in heaven. I am a homeschooling mom who embraces the life God has given me.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
School and Clovers
Lately, I have not had the desire to blog or even really talk to anyone. There are lots of people that have called and e-mailed, but I never seem to find the time or energy to respond. PLEASE don't take it personally. Many of you have inquired about the kids, and they are doing great. Of course they function through the daily sadness, just like Ryan and I do, but physically and academically they are wonderful.
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We are homeschooling the kiddos this year, and it has been a wonderful change. It is definitely a different way of life, and I am so happy about our decision. There was a lot of concern from well-meaning individuals about our decision, because they thought we were homeschooling because of the accident. Truth be told, Ryan and I had already decided that 2008-2009 would be our last year of public school. We had already purchased all the curriculum and had the entire 2009-2010 school year scheduled and planned out. We just did not tell everyone of our decision yet. We are friends with other families that homeschool and we felt that it was something that we were called to do. We pulled the kids out of school right after the accident. It only seemed natural to have them home where we could all grieve together.
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The kids have gotten into the swing of things and are learning everyday! I never knew how rewarding it would be to watch your son learn his division facts or to watch your daughter learn to read. It is wonderful knowing that they are learning these things from their parents. I get to watch them learn these things rather than it happening at school. It's just as exciting as watching a toddler learning to walk and talk.
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I also have the peace of knowing that I am spending enough time with them. I don't have to feel guilty when I am working during an evening, or that the kids are gone from the house too much doing extra curricular activities. I always hated the nights when I would pick them up from school, bring them home, do homework, feed them, and drop someone off at a lesson. It was even worse when I would leave for the evening to teach. Family life just should not be that way! Not only do the kids have more time at home, they have more quality time with friends. During the school year, our lives were so busy that there was hardly anytime for friends outside of school and evening activities. The kids now get together with their other homeschooled friends twice during the week for skating, playing at the park, and field trips! The only thing missing is MACIE.
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Every morning, we notice the empty chair that she should be in. She was really excited about being home for school. I had planned on teaching her at the same level as Jordan. She was (is) so bright! She wouldn't have had any trouble keeping up with Jordan. Every time we do a new lesson, I picture Macie sitting there, trying to get done faster than everyone else. I do get little reminders that she is still with us. Twice, while doing school outside, I looked down and found a 4 leaf clover. One time, it seemed like an audible voice telling me to look down. These just remind me that I still have, and WILL always have, 4 children!
.
We are homeschooling the kiddos this year, and it has been a wonderful change. It is definitely a different way of life, and I am so happy about our decision. There was a lot of concern from well-meaning individuals about our decision, because they thought we were homeschooling because of the accident. Truth be told, Ryan and I had already decided that 2008-2009 would be our last year of public school. We had already purchased all the curriculum and had the entire 2009-2010 school year scheduled and planned out. We just did not tell everyone of our decision yet. We are friends with other families that homeschool and we felt that it was something that we were called to do. We pulled the kids out of school right after the accident. It only seemed natural to have them home where we could all grieve together.
.
The kids have gotten into the swing of things and are learning everyday! I never knew how rewarding it would be to watch your son learn his division facts or to watch your daughter learn to read. It is wonderful knowing that they are learning these things from their parents. I get to watch them learn these things rather than it happening at school. It's just as exciting as watching a toddler learning to walk and talk.
.
I also have the peace of knowing that I am spending enough time with them. I don't have to feel guilty when I am working during an evening, or that the kids are gone from the house too much doing extra curricular activities. I always hated the nights when I would pick them up from school, bring them home, do homework, feed them, and drop someone off at a lesson. It was even worse when I would leave for the evening to teach. Family life just should not be that way! Not only do the kids have more time at home, they have more quality time with friends. During the school year, our lives were so busy that there was hardly anytime for friends outside of school and evening activities. The kids now get together with their other homeschooled friends twice during the week for skating, playing at the park, and field trips! The only thing missing is MACIE.
.
Every morning, we notice the empty chair that she should be in. She was really excited about being home for school. I had planned on teaching her at the same level as Jordan. She was (is) so bright! She wouldn't have had any trouble keeping up with Jordan. Every time we do a new lesson, I picture Macie sitting there, trying to get done faster than everyone else. I do get little reminders that she is still with us. Twice, while doing school outside, I looked down and found a 4 leaf clover. One time, it seemed like an audible voice telling me to look down. These just remind me that I still have, and WILL always have, 4 children!
Jordan and Kaylee hanging birdseed feeders at the cemetery for Macie. The kids made these as an art project for the week.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Macie's Tree
On September 10 (which so happened to be Ryan's birthday), The YMCA gymnastics team planted a tree in Macie's memory. They had a sweet little ceremony to honor her. The coaches placed the tree, then all the teammates took turns shoveling the dirt to fill the hole. Jordan stepped in to help finish the job. He is such a good big brother. It's the most beautiful, purple colored, red bud tree. The team girls are responsible for watering the tree during practices. I thought that was a really cute idea. They will also be placing a stone in the YMCA memorial garden. It's very touching to see how much all of her teammates loved her. The Y has also started a Macie Crow scholarship fund to help girls less fortunate participate in gymnastics. A very sweet team member (sorry, not sure if she wants her name on the web) came up with the idea, and worked her little tail off to hold a family fun night in memory of Macie to raise money for the scholarship. 
My wonderful mother-in-law made this picture for us, and gave it to us at the ceremony. The drawing was done by Macie, and it was taped to a wall in their house. She thought the tree was appropriate for the ceremony, so she placed a gymnastics picture of Macie on it with one of the badges made by the gymnastics team. Isn't it cute!
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