Today is September 27, and it has been 6 months since Macie went to heaven. There are days that I still don't comprehend that this really has happened. Sometimes, I think I will wake up one day and realize that I was mentally insane, and it wasn't for real. There are so many emotions that come and go on days like these, but the only emotion that I can really explain is that I am tired!
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I'm tired of this new life. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling nauseous. I'm tired of feeling scared. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of waking up to this reality everyday. I'm tired of visiting a cemetery for days that should be celebrations. I'm tired of replaying the accident. I'm tired of the aching arms. I'm tired of my dirty house. I'm tired of not being focused. I'm tired of thinking the kids are hurt or worse anytime they yell mom. I'm tired of my to-do list. I'm tired of not knowing what a marriage should feel like anymore. I'm tired of comforting others and telling them that it will be OK when all I want to do is scream! I'm tired of people that flinch when I speak my daughter's name. I'm tired of seeing other mothers getting annoyed with their children when I'm out shopping. I'm tired of other people that are able to move on with their life. I'm tired of people thinking that the accident was more than a year ago. I'm tired of other people that just don't or can't understand. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I feel decent one day. I'm tired of Jordan, Kaylee, and Carter's hearts hurting and not being able to make it better. I'm tired of asking why? I'm tired of wondering why me? I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of realizing that I need to do this for the rest of my life!
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Thankfully, we have a LORD that says-come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
About Me
- Crow
- Hello and welcome to my blog! My name is Amanda Crow. I am a mother of four amazing children: three who are here with me on earth, and one who is awaiting our reunion in heaven. I am a homeschooling mom who embraces the life God has given me.
I'm so sorry. I'm just so unbelievably sorry that this bitter cup is yours. I read your words and feel like I'm zapped into your body, feeling so nauseated and sad and...tired.
ReplyDeleteI will keep praying for you...for all of you. I pray that every moment and every breath will be sweeter to you (to all of us). That the sweetness you're left with will help sustain you. I know that the Lord can do anything. I'm asking Him to give you the miracle of being able to breathe and keep moving forward, knowing that each day that passes is one day closer to being at Home with Him...where all of you will never again have to wake up nauseated...or tired.
Please sweet Saviour Friend, give the miraculous oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for this broken spirit's heaviness. PLEASE give beauty for ashes as You have promised. Thank You that You allowed Yourself to be a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. I don't think I'll ever understand this side of Heaven, but...I will trust You...and I will hope for this precious family. Come quickly Lord...
Because He lives,
Claudine T in MD
Amanda:
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that I just found this blog. I have sat here past midnight bc I wanted to read every loving, and hopefully healing, word you have taken the time to share. I have cried my eyes out, smiled, and prayed. I am so very glad that we did get to talk about Macie after school that day last month, and that we did say her name. She is beautiful, and as I told you that day, take pride and comfort in knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are so blessed to be her mommy, then, now, here, there, and anywhere, FOREVER.
In Christ,
Kelli Linkis <><<
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteYou are still in our thoughts and prayers!! Wish we could take away the pain.
Love,
Norma & Lindell
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteLivy and I pray for you guys and Macie every night before we go to bed and you are on our hearts a million times a day. As I sit here crying, wishing there was some way that I could help. You all mean so much to us!!! Love, Lori
Amanda, My husband and I lift you,Ryan and the rest of your family up in prayer daily. I ache for you but I am comforted that through this nightmare you are clinging to the Promises of God - Hold tight - don't let go - Satan would love it if you did. Feel God's love and pain for you all - remember He knows your pain - as you can tell by world events, time is short - He will come for His people - and Amanda it is okay to scream. It's okay.
ReplyDeletePlease know, that only few will comment, however, this is read by so many, who do not know the words too say. We all pray for you, think good thoughts for you and wish blessings on you. Living is difficult, and some momments are even harder, we feel your sorrow. But enjoy all you can, cause the lifespan of us human beings, is equal to a drop of a sand pebble in the ocean, compared to the Eternity you will have with Macie and Our Savior Jesus Christ. May the blessing of comfort and joy be showered on you all. Sencerity, respect, care, and joy, from all of us who are afraid our words aren't enough.
ReplyDeleteamanda....keep writing....it helps doesn't it? i would write on my blog at all hours of the night when i couldn't sleep - thinking about the accident that took our 10 year old seth home only 5 years after we adopted him from russia. the flashbacks, the overwhelming tiredness...it's all consuming at times. someone told me once after i was getting so annoyed with myself for not being able to do the things that i used to do before seth died...she said....'your grieving is your full time job for right now' grief IS work....that's why you're so tired....please know that i will pray that you can feel yourself in your 'grace bubble' and that you will have peace tonight. macie, jordan, kaylee, and carter are beautiful children!
ReplyDelete