It's March

Well, it's finally March. This used to be one of my favorite times of the year. My crocuses are blooming, my daffodils, tulips, and lilies are emerging. The weather is warming, and the kids are spending a lot of time outside. March is the month of our wedding anniversary (11 years this past Saturday) and our firstborn's birthday (Jordan will be 10 this year...I just can't believe it). But now, March has become a very ugly month for us. It now marks tragedy and sadness.

Yesterday, our church held a service to remember and reflect on the events that took Pastor Fred's life on March 8, 2009. I wasn't prepared to feel as heartbroken as I did. In fact, my knees buckled several times, and the waves of helplessness rushed through, and I felt as if I were sitting at Macie's funeral again. I know that it was a day to remember our pastor, but what the 1500 people sitting around us in service didn't realize is that the week of his death marked the beginning of our story.

Last March, Ryan and I were sitting in the church waiting for Pastor Fred's funeral to begin when he received the phone call from Canada asking him to pack his bags and come work for a month. We spent the next two weeks (still in shock over the events that occurred in our own church) getting his passport, filling out paper work, packing bags, and preparing to not have Ryan with us for 4 or 5 weeks. Little did we know that the day he flew away, was going to be the last day of Macie's life.

Yesterday, some friends at church could tell by the look on my face that I wasn't having a good day. A lot of people were asking if I was okay? Well, the answer to that question is NO. Yes, we are okay physically and spiritually, the kids are thriving, our marriage is great, and we still have fun as a family everyday. There isn't a day that goes by where we still don't laugh and appreciate our lives. We are functioning pretty well. We keep up with the kids activities, stay on tract with their school work, and maintain the house (I'll admit that it isn't as clean and organized as I would like..but I know that there are more important things in life). So then why is my answer no?

While we are doing as well as we can and healing, I'm still not okay with what happened, and I never will be. There is an empty seat at the table, an empty seat in the van, there is an empty bed every evening, there is an extra robe hanging on the girl's wall, I can no longer divide packages of juice boxes evenly, there are more boys than girls in the house, we attend one less gymnastics practice a week, we only attend one gymnastics meet during a weekend instead of two, and Kaylee no longer has a sister to grow up with. Another thing that really bothers me is when I take the kids grocery shopping or to Walmart. There is always someone in the checkout lane that says, "Wow, you have your hands full with three kids." I want to scream out and yell shut up! I have 4 kids and my hands are not full!!! They never were. I didn't mind taking my kids with me to the store. When Carter was a baby, I would put him on my chest, put the other three kids in a cart, and pile everything around them. It was a pretty funny site. Of course the kids are older now and they walk beside me, but I still only have 3 kids with me, and it is just too easy. None of these things are okay with me! I absolutely hate them.