First Mother's Day

My first Mother's Day wasn't as bad as I thought, but I didn't want to take any pictures with the kids. I hate that I can't have the four of my children together like the years before. I just miss her so much. After church, we went to her grave to take her some flowers. There were a lot of people at the cemetery, and it seemed that all of them were taking flowers to their mothers and grandmothers, everyone except me. It's not fair that I have to visit my daughter on mother's day at a cemetery. At least it was a beautiful day, and we were able to visit awhile without the rain pouring down on us. The kids did really well there today. I'm hoping it can become a comfortable place for us. I would like to have picnics there after church every Sunday. It may take sometime before we can get to that point. Ryan still has a really hard time visiting. He has only been 3 times now. I, on the other hand, stop by frequently to drop off flowers, statues, etc. and I feel at peace when I am there.

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The rest of the afternoon, we had a family get together at a relatives house (sorry, I'm trying not to put other names on here for privacy reasons). This was the first time, in almost 2 years, that the entire family has been together for a holiday (there has been some turmoil for awhile now on Ryan's side). Fortunately, there is some light at the end of the tunnel and it looks as if there can be some restoration. However, I hate that it takes the loss of my innocent daughter for everyone to open their eyes and see that life is too short to be angry at one another. I can only pray that some good comes out of our tragedy.

Arch Nov. 2008