Our happy family has been torn apart and will no longer be the same! How do you come to terms knowing that your life will now have a "new normal" and you hate it?!?Ryan and I now belong to the exclusive club of "parents that have lost a child."
Unfortunately, its not as small as you think and its members come out of the woodwork when they have heard of your initiation to the club. Every club member wants out, but there is no revoking your membership. If only you could stop payment and someone could kick you out.
I look at this picture of me with my husband (which my Macie took) and wonder if we can take a picture like that ever again?? So why do I put these pictures on and write about it you wonder? Well another member of this new club of mine told me about her blog. Well I checked it out, it made me cry, and I started my own. I've been sitting at the computer for the past 4 hours trying to make some sense out of my life.I have a hard time calling people back and replying to e-mails. I know everyone is concerned and wants to know our thoughts, feelings, and if there is anything they can do to help. I thought maybe posting our feelings maybe once a week could be a way to keep everyone informed and maybe it will be therapy for me/us. I have a couple of journals, but I don't pick them up enough. I do, however, check my e-mail and the weather daily, so it only makes sense to spend a few moments typing my feelings. I hope to get Ryan to do the same.
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One thing I think everyone should know:
Do not to be afraid to speak Macie's name and talk about her!!!!
People are afraid to bring it up as if it will open old wounds. Don't worry, we ALWAYS think about her. Every single waking (and sleeping) moment revolves around her! If only we could forget the pain for even 10 minutes, but we don't. I know other parents who have lost children 5+ years ago that still have their child on their mind constantly. It's not like saying their name brings up bad feelings, it can actually do the opposite. The bereaved parents want people to still keep their child's memory alive. Speaking about the child, or telling a memory, actually helps the parent. Pretending to forget, or never mentioning the child and removing pictures, only kills the child all over again. Just a bit of advice in case you know someone else that has lost a child.
I hate that I can't have anymore cute pictures like the one above. I wonder when I will ever want to take a family picture again?.........
Amanda, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings in this way. I'm crying as I read..there are really no words. Macie was such a beautiful girl and I don't think there is anything cuter than the pics of her with her missing front teeth! We pray for your family every day...we love you guys. Michelle Witt
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say hi and Happy Mother's Day love u guys so much love Jamie
ReplyDeleteDear Ryan and Amanda, My name is Janet Rinehart, I am the sister to Penny and Pam. I want to share with you that all the way down here in Texas I heard fun loving stories of Macie through the comments of her Grandmother sharing with her friends. I heard how she made people smile and laugh and how she liked to have everything in its place. Penny and Pam both spoke/speak highly of your beautiful family and how incredibily strong your faith is.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to have the opportunity to contact you because I want you to know that I and all my co-workers put your family on their prayer list.
I would like to say in the same faith and heartfelt way, please go take that family portrait with all your children. Include Macie by having them sit in her favorite chair or her favorite TV spot at Grandma's. Let them know that their family is still complete and not broken and that Macie's presence can still be in every family portrait. She will always be and you need not exclude her. It's understood that the children will feel the emptiness as well. Perhaps assuring them of her presences will help them feel filled up over time. Maybe with the help of your little ones, you could send a picture to Macie in Heaven so she knows you are o.k., but you miss her a lot. God Bless you deeply from the bottom of my heart. Please give Ryan and the kids a huge hug. Carla and Tony are so incredibley proud of you all, maybe you could send Macie a picture of the Grandparents too. Give Carla and Tony a hug from me when you see them. God Bless, and Thank you for your strength in faith. Janet